How was Oskar's mom a bad parent?

[gattoparde59]

Evidently, Dad, like Mom, is having a hard time dealing with the notion of Oskar growing up

Good point, Oskar is heading into those difficult years where even the best parent is going to be challenged.

There are some people who would look at this whole situation and sum it up by saying that Oskar is the victim of divorce.

Not so much the divorce as everything involved in the divorce. The drinking, the immaturity, the feeling that his parents didn't try hard enough to stay together. They certainly are not making Oskar a priority in all this. I think it also hurts children to see their parents get into bitter quarrels like we see in the film. The point has been made already that the last straw for Oskar are the scenes with the sound turned off, and Oskar walks by his yelling Mom and locks himself in his room. We see another shot of Oskar's Mom quarreling with his Dad on the phone. . .

I consider my own mother to be a much smarter, more observant, and all around better parent than Yvonna, but I remember being Oskar's age and being able to hide plenty of crap from her. Its not easy knowing what is going on with your kids when you aren't watching them, especially if they know you well, can get into your head, and give you a reasonable sounding explanation that you'll buy.

True. Still a good parent should be able to tell when their kid is having the kind of problems Oskar is having. Telepathy seems to be a special quality you need to be a good parent. My wife for example seems to have mysterious telepathic powers. It does not help if you are a working parent. When I think about all the crap that went on in my house when my mother was at work.

[lombano]

It seemed to me that at some level, the mother just isn't equipped to deal with the problems she's facing with Oskar's growing up. It could be that the prospect of Oskar growing up, and her remaining a single parent in the wake of a failed marriage, bespeaks a potentially bleak future for her; maybe she wants Oskar to stay little as long as possible so that life won't move on that quickly. That's pure speculation on my part, but I'll throw it out there.
... the father relates to Oskar more as a boy Oskar's own age... Evidently, Dad, like Mom, is having a hard time dealing with the notion of Oskar growing up; hence he has never discarded Oskar's old boots.

The irony being that the one with the most reason to fear Oskar becoming older is Eli, yet it's Eli that helps Oskar mature. I hadn't really considered that angle, that the parents were afraid of Oskar growing up, though I had noticed that they didn't seem to notice he wasn't a little kid any more.

[gary13136]

I have to sympathize with Oskar's mom, because I was a single parent. Could Oskar's mom have done a better job? Sure. All she has to do is be in several different places at the same time, do the work that teachers AND the police are supposed to do, work a full-time job, and then endure the criticism of not being a "perfect" parent. A piece of cake.

[a_contemplative_life]

I have to sympathize with Oskar's mom, because I was a single parent. Could Oskar's mom have done a better job? Sure. All she has to do is be in several different places at the same time, do the work that teachers AND the police are supposed to do, work a full-time job, and then endure the criticism of not being a "perfect" parent. A piece of cake.

I think of all the characters in the film, Oskar's mom is near the top of the list with regarding to sympathy, so I don't feel at all that your feelings are misplaced. And I agree with NaKriege that Oskar himself bears some of the responsibility for the breakdown in his relationship with Yvonne.

One of things that I think make this such a great film is precisely because we have characters like Yvonne in it. They're all flawed, but very believably flawed, just like real people--like us. Even the bullies in the novel have their motivations for wanting to hurt Oskar at the pool. None of them are so bad that their flaws become obvious or ridiculous, thereby making the resulting decisions of others around them easy. In some way, this film is very much a study about making difficult choices, and the ramifications those choices, good or bad, have on us and the people around us.

[armyofdorkness]

I was raised by a single mother for several years (starting when I was 13), and that was HELL, I can tell you. The only memories I have of my parents during that time are negative. You need them badly, but every interaction is depressing and stressful because they're obsessed with their own problems. Couple that with the fact that middle school was already torture due to constant bullying, and you have easily the worst period in my whole life. (Maybe this is why LTROI is so personal to me?) [/whining]

Anyway, I thought Oskar's mom handled it like a pro, or at least much better than real moms do. I found her very sympathetic.

[TheVoxHumanus]

I could cite specific examples, but...

I'll just generally say that I think she's a bad parent because that's how the film portrays her. She rarely has an emotionally significant interaction with Oskar. Even when she's angry, she doesn't feel "present". If she were a loving mother, and if she were important in Oskar's life , I think we'd see that. Avila is warmer than she is. Avila is the only adult in the film that makes Oskar feel good about himself. Mom needs to be doing that too -- and not in coddling "sweet" ways either. She's an adult and one would assume that she understands at least on some level how children grow up.

Oskar is obviously "troubled". His parents are divorced -- he's the victim of trauma because of that, and the ongoing victim of trauma from bullies at school. Mom doesn't have the presence of mind to see this, or she does but doesn't know how to deal with it. At best she's emotionally absent, at worst she's willfully ignorant of Oskar's suffering.

We're also never given a reason his parents aren't together any more. It's possible that Erik left Yvonne, not the other way around.

Taking all this stuff into account it's important to realize that were Yvonne a responsible parent who raised a child relatively capable of taking care of himself and helping him when necessary, he never would've felt it appropriate to run away with Eli in the first place. Having said that, I still think that Oskar ending up with Eli is a very good outcome -- despite their individual problems, their relationship appears to be fundamentally healthy as far as intimacy goes. They don't appear to be emotionally enmeshed in one another, they're not "addicted" to one another. There doesn't appear to be any super-intense feelings that suggest something unhealthy. A person with Oskar or Eli's intimacy issues might expect to go full-bore into a relationship that boarders on "love addiction" rather than a healthy, loving, stable relationship.

It looks like they have something that's calm and nice and not full of drama -- I doubt they'd engage in behaviors that would perpetually re-traumatize them. Hopefully.

[cmfireflies]

I wouldn't say Oskar's mom is a bad parent, hell, apologies to JAL, but I didn't even think Oskar's dad was that bad either.

I think Oskar's mom is just overwhelmed by her job and her responsibilities as a single mother. She kinda treats Oskar as a pet, she makes sure Oskar is physically well taken care of, and then expects him to give her love and affection after a long day at work. I think on some level Oskar knows that his mom doesn't really want to handle his deeper problems but would feel compelled to make a show of solving them if she knew they existed just because it's the mom thing to do. Oskar doesn't really want this extra drama so he hides everything. He doesn't have any faith in mom to provide help with anything that he thinks is really important, i.e, he doesn't tell her about Eli, not even a "I'm going steady with a girl now."

But how can you blame Oskar's parents when Oskar doesn't come to them for anything? When in the book, an attempt to help Oskar makes him feel worse?

[gary13136]

One thing I noticed after watching the UK DVD director's commentary. JAL mentioned his father several times in the commentary, but not his mother. The closest he came to mentioning his mother was in the scene where Oskar is eating after he's been struck in the face by one of the bullies. His comment was along the lines of "she doesn't want to know what happened". Depending on just how autobiographical this story is, he may not have had a very high opinion of his mother's parenting abilities. JAL had mentioned in the movie that his father was "dead now". No mention of whether or not his mother is still living. This matter of not mentioning his mother might just be coincidental, but it might make one wonder about his opinion of Oskar's mother.

[drakkar]

Depending on just how autobiographical this story is, he may not have had a very high opinion of his mother's parenting abilities. JAL had mentioned in the movie that his father was "dead now". No mention of whether or not his mother is still living. This matter of not mentioning his mother might just be coincidental, but it might make one wonder about his opinion of Oskar's mother.

He might just protect her; keeping her out of publicity. After all, the story is partly autobiographical.

[drakkar]

Not so much the divorce as everything involved in the divorce. The drinking, the immaturity, the feeling that his parents didn't try hard enough to stay together. They certainly are not making Oskar a priority in all this. I think it also hurts children to see their parents get into bitter quarrels like we see in the film. The point has been made already that the last straw for Oskar are the scenes with the sound turned off, and Oskar walks by his yelling Mom and locks himself in his room. We see another shot of Oskar's Mom quarreling with his Dad on the phone. . .

Blackeberg was a difficult neighbourhood, with many troubled homes like Oskar's (the mob, just to mention). So the parents didn't get much help and inspiration from the surroundings...