Cthulhuthanos meets two vampires

[Cthulhuthanos]

***** My first real Let The Right One In Fan Fiction. It's supposed to be a dark humor piece. I apologize for any incorrect Swedish sentence structure and or vocabulary. I will edit it later when I'm not sick, but for now, here you go.*****

It was night, the air was hot and the wind was soft to the touch. Cthulhuthanos walked along the street mumbling to himself. “Vampires use the restroom, such bullshit. It isn’t even supported by the text. Talking some science crap mister, I know everything about the vampire-human digestive system”. He walked the lonesome street, irritated by the impending phone call he was going to have to make soon. He walked slowly, contemplating all of the possibilities in which the dialogue could go. Maybe she’ll get off my back about finding a job, maybe she’ll finally accept me for who I am…..but probably not. As the counter arguments went on inside of his head, he had the eerie feeling that he was being watched from a long distance away. At that point, he just so happened to remember all of the incredibly terrifying beast that filmmakers created to lurk about within the dark recesses areas of human perception. A shiver crawled down his spine as he remembered the more horrific ones. The blob, Predator, Sarah Jessica Parker, each of them terrifying in their own way. However, none were as horrible as the blood sucking creatures that haunted the crypts of dark castles ever since some old dude fantasized about sucking the blood out of a woman. The thought passed him as he arrived at the phone booth, remembering that he was about to talk to the most frightening beast of them all…….his mother. He stood in the dimly lit glass box. There was a soft white light illuminating the metal communications box. He shuffled around in his pocket for a while, trying to dig through all of the pocket lint that had piled up over them many years that he had refused to throw away the pants. He finally separated the loose change from the lint filled pocket and counted it again to make sure he had enough. “One quarter, two dimes and a nickel, perfect, the exact amount.” He entered the change into the machine, and dialed the number. As the phone rang, he looked all around the glass container, it was small. The small booth smelled of stale air and cigarette butts, the latter of which he saw had compiled in the far corner of the booth. He took his attention off of the warn piece of public communication and looked outside into the darkness that hung as a heavy blanket over the mid-summer humidity. There were no stars out that night, as thick clouds had made it their duty to assure that the surface world below would never bathe in their beauty. The air outside was humid, but was calmed by the occasionally cool breeze that would come from the thick forest that lay only 30 yards away. It was one of those nights where you could actually feel the clouds brewing their special surprise. Cthulhuthanos stood in the booth anxiously awaiting for the soft ringing in the phone to turn into the shrill voice that had tormented him throughout his entire childhood. That voice, however, never came. Instead, a computerized female voice asked him if he’d like to leave a message for the one he had attempted to call. He waited until the beep and left the message, “Hey Mom, since you’re sleeping right now I just want you to know that I did try to call you and that it was you who didn’t pick up this time. Anyway, I’ll try again some other time.”
Cthulhuthanos looked outside the glass once more, as if hoping to see something that he could feel was hiding from his vision. It proved to no avail, so he turned around and hung up the phone. Silence feel inside the booth. He knew that it would be a mile or so until he reached his apartment, and it was already fairly late at night, 10:50 the last time he checked. He turned around only to immediately jump into a state of surprise. He let out a goatish scream before composing himself again. Standing in front of the closed booth door was what appeared to be a little girl. This little girl was not alone though, no, there was another child, a blonde haired boy standing right behind her looking at him with piercing eyes. The little girl had a cute little smile on her face, although, upon closer inspection it appeared to be more of a smirk. In a language Cthulhuthanos didn’t understand, the blonde haired child pointed at him and began to speak to the girl, who, had never broken eye contact. “Det är han , det är det jag har försökt att få !” (There he is , he is the one I have tried to get) the blonde boy said. The little girl gave a little huff to what was said and spoke to the blonde boy, “ Det är han ? Han ser inte så snabbt . Titta han även fick en lite fett på magen”(That's him ? He does not look so fast. Look , he even got a little fat on the stomach) . The blonde boy nodded, “Det är han , det är cthulhuthanos, Wolfchild hjälpte även oss att spåra honom genom den webbplats som han använder för att hitta oss mat. Han är snabb för sin storlek Eli , som du inte skulle tro”(It is he , it is cthulhuthanos , Wolfchild even helped us track him through the website he uses to find us food . He is fast for his size , Eli, you would not believe) . The little girl looked quizzically at the boy, “Oskar , går han som en gravid kvinna . Jag slår vad om att han springer ännu värre.” (Oskar , he walks to a pregnant woman. I bet he runs worse) . Cthulhuthanos overheard his name and spoke up, cutting the two off. “Hey, why did the Anakin Skywalker lookalike just say my name? also, who the hell are you and how do you know my name?”. The dark haired girl looked back at Oskar, “Tja, han är definivt så oförskämd som den från webben”(Well, he is definitely as rude as the one from the web) . She looked back and smiled at Cthulhuthanos, who began to, what he thought was subtle, puff out his chest as a sign of intimidation. “seriously kid, if you can speak American, tell me how you know my name. Shit’s creepy. You don’t just sneak up behind someone at night and start taking about them in some Asian language”. The girl’s smile turned into a look of disbelief at what was just said, “Han är lika dum för”(he's just as stupid too). The girl spoke in somewhat broken English, “sorry, hello sir, we were wondering if we could have some change to make a call. It’s late, and I want my mother pick us up from our walk.”. Cthulhuthanos thought for a second, “If you’re going to lie to me you at least have to try better. The girl gave a quizzical look. Cthulhuthanos spoke, “Look, if you’re looking for drugs, I know a guy in my apartment. He’s not below selling that crap to minors, now if you could get out of the way of the door, I’d like to go home now.” As Cthulhuthanos moved and blocked the light coming from behind him in the booth, he saw the pupils of their eyes recede into little slits. Cthulhuthanos stopped in his tracks and stepped further back into the phone booth. “wha….what the hell was that?” The girl looked at him, tilting her head to the left. “What was what?”. “Your eyes man! They turned into cat eyes when I stepped in the way of the light and then turned back into normal eyes when the light was on them again!” Cthulhuthanos said his back touched the front of the phone. “….dear god……are you guys cat people?”, The girl raised an eyebrow and looked back at boy, who looking at Cthulhuthanos with a dazed look on his face. The girl could feel it in him as well as herself, their hunger was growing. She turned back around, and spoke in a voice similar to one a child has when it doesn’t want to play along with something, “Yes”. Cthulhuthanos looked at the boy and girl I bewilderment, he then reached into his pocket and then turned on his phone. “So can you guys go all ThunderCat for me for a second. I need to post this online. Everyone will be so jealous, and I’ll be like, yeah I hung out with some cat people the other day, what are you doing with your life?” The girl, trying to play along, looked at him as if trying to explain a simple concept to him “I will, yes. But first, you need to say that we can come in so that we have better light for your photo”. Cthulhuthanos looked at them confused, “Why……why do you want to come in? My phone can see you fine from here”. The boy, looking as if he were getting very impatient, spoke to the girl, “Om han inte kommer ut snart , ska jag tända monter på elden . han kommer ut då.” (If he does not come out soon , I'll light the booth on fire.) The girl turned around and put her finger in the air and shushed him. “Cat people need to be let into places.” The girl said. Cthulhuthanos looked at her with a half-smile and said, “nah, they totally don’t need to be invited in”. The girl spoke up a little frustrated, “Are you a cat person”. Cthulhuthanos looked down at the ground and shuffled his feet, “well, no but the history channel said”. He was cut off by the now visibly irritated girl, “Then you don’t know how Cat people live, do you? We are cat people, we know how they live, now say that we can some in”. Cthulhuthanos looked at them with wide eyes, “Oh my god, you two aren’t Cat people” the little girls face began to contort, “you two are leprechauns!”. The girl stood in bewilderment at how someone could say something so stupid. “yes” the little girl said, “you got us, we are leprechauns. If you want a cauldron of gold you’ll have to invite us in”. Cthulhuthanos looked at both of them and then stuck a finger into the air as if he had discovered something great, “You two can’t be leprechauns! Neither of you are gingers! What are you then. A shapeshifter, a fairy, a Unicorn of some type?” The girl’s belly ached intensely, she looked at him flat faced and yelled, showing her long white fangs, “yes, we are fuuking Unicorns, now let us in!”. Cthulhuthanos was taken back by the teeth that had sprouted from within the little girl’s mouth. He noticed her eyes had reverted into a cat like form and she had begun to hunch over. Almost as if, by his command, she was ready to leap at him. Cthulhuthanos, looked at her, at first in shock, and then was dumbfounded that the two hadn’t looked familiar to him before this. ‘must have been their disguises’ he thought. “Eli…..Oskar? You guys are vampires…and I’m….oh no”. Eli was told by Wolfchild that Cthulhuthanos was thick, but this was ridiculous. All of the other members they had attacked had recognized them instantly. Eli had meet some stupid people in her time. As had Oskar, but this….this person could hold a record for ‘longest time trying to find his way out of a paper bag’. It didn’t matter, both her and Oskar were hungry, and this fool was postponing their meal. ‘Sigh’ “Americans” she muttered under her breath. Eli then turned up with the biggest puppy dog face she could form, “please, we haven’t eaten in days sir. We will try to make it as painless as possible. We only do this because we have to. We really wish to could be any other way, please understand, please let us in.” Cthulhuthanos could have sworn that he even saw tears forming in her eyes. He walked closer to the closed glass door looked down at her with sympathetic eyes. The sympathy of the situation reshaped his normal arrogant expression into one of empathy. He looked into her beautiful blue eyes, so sad, so fragile. Her eyes were like that of a little puppy, lost in a place without a mother, without a family, and without a home. He knelt down to her level, looked her straight in the eyes and said “no”. Cthulhuthanos then stood up and twisted his hands into a double set of middle fingers and began to sing “no no no no no no no no f*ck you no”. Eli’s face immediately abandoned the puppy dog look and contorted into a far more monstrous face. “Oskar” she said, “på det” (on it) he said. Oskar got up and walked to the backside of the phone booth. “Oh, what, is home alone boy going to try to convince me that I need to let you eat me?” Oskar pulled lighter fluid out of a backpack and began spraying on the grass at the bottom of the booth. He then took out match, lit it, then tossed it onto recently wetted section of grass. It immediately burst into a flame. Cthulhuthnaos saw this and started to screech as loud as he could. It so loud, so annoying, that Oskar and Eli actually had to cover their ears to shield themselves from the sheer amount of power the man had in his lungs. It sounded like an orchestra of screaming goats. Seeing as how staying in the booth was a bad idea, he gathered his confidence and looked straight at the girl who was waiting outside the door. He figured that she couldn’t have weighed more than 100 pounds, and figured that if he charged through her, stomped on her face, and then tossed the little boy into the road so that he could break his bones against concrete, he could get away and brag to his friends that he successfully beat down two vampires. The mention of them being kids though would of course be left out. He then charged the door and ran as fast as he could out at the little girl. He charged out and pile drove her into the ground, and stopped her pretty little face into mush below his feet. The blonde kid was next. Cthulhuthanos grabbed him by the hair and repeatedly smashed his face into the side of the phone booth before tossing him into the little fire that was now slowly crawling up the side of the phone booth. Of course, that’s what he would have liked to happen. In reality, as soon as the attempted to charge the little girl, she grabbed him by the shoulders and flipped him over her, with Cthuluhthanos landing on his back with a loud thud. The little boy, now standing on top of the booth, leapt from the top and came down like a great Gorilla in a double hammer fist strike to his knees. His knees immediately snapped with a loud crack. The pain was so great that he almost passed out. Before her did, the little girl, if that’s what you could call such a monstrous looking thing, saddled herself on top of his chest and looked down mockingly into his eyes. She smiled and spoke, “You thought running was going to save you? You were wrong. You are wrong about a lot of things….however, you were right about one thing. Vampires don’t need to us the restroom.” With that, she bit violently into his neck, crushing his jugular like a grape in a vice grip. Oskar, before joining her, asked her “Eli what do you mean we don’t use the bathroom?”. She slurped down her mouthful of blood, and spoke, “I don’t know, I guess I kind of felt bad for him. It doesn’t matter though, come Oskar, drink up, this one was worth it”.

[Cthulhuthanos]

Discussion is on this thread.

[dongregg]

This was consistently funny all the way through, but nothing surpassed "The blob, Predator, Sarah Jessica Parker, each of them terrifying in their own way."

[PeteMork]

This was consistently funny all the way through, but nothing surpassed "The blob, Predator, Sarah Jessica Parker, each of them terrifying in their own way."

You beat me to it!
And the mystery of whether or not they go to the bathroom remains.

Very funny indeed!

And Wolfchild should be ashamed of himself!

[Cthulhuthanos]

Okay, upon re-reading it I found some words that I left out. This head cold is really obnoxious, I'll change it soon. Also, wanted to let you know that yes, he had his cellphone the entire time but he didn't want to call his Mom with it and risk her finding out what his cellphone number was. I thought I had it in there. Again, it'll need some revision.

[Cthulhuthanos]

This was consistently funny all the way through, but nothing surpassed "The blob, Predator, Sarah Jessica Parker, each of them terrifying in their own way."

You beat me to it!
And the mystery of whether or not they go to the bathroom remains.

Very funny indeed!

And Wolfchild should be ashamed of himself!

Do you guys want me to put the translated versions of what they say in the story too? I remember that Eli could understand English, I can't recall her being able to speak it. I also don't recall Oskar speaking or understanding English. Also, sorry to throw you under the bus Wolfchild.

[metoo]

Do you guys want me to put the translated versions of what they say in the story too?

Yes, please! I would like to know what they're saying.

I remember that Eli could understand English, I can't recall her being able to speak it. I also don't recall Oskar speaking or understanding English. Also, sorry to throw you under the bus Wolfchild.

The novel doesn't explicitly say that Eli was able to speak English, but given that he could understand the language, I think it would be very strange if he couldn't speak it as well.

Regarding Oskar, he would have been taught English in school since third grade (he was in sixth in the novel). Furthermore, foreign films and TV shows are subtitled in Swedish TV, so he would have had some exposure to English as well.

[Cthulhuthanos]

Do you guys want me to put the translated versions of what they say in the story too?

Yes, please! I would like to know what they're saying.

I remember that Eli could understand English, I can't recall her being able to speak it. I also don't recall Oskar speaking or understanding English. Also, sorry to throw you under the bus Wolfchild.

The novel doesn't explicitly say that Eli was able to speak English, but given that he could understand the language, I think it would be very strange if he couldn't speak it as well.

Regarding Oskar, he would have been taught English in school since third grade (he was in sixth in the novel). Furthermore, foreign films and TV shows are subtitled in Swedish TV, so he would have had some exposure to English as well.

Just edited it for those of you unsure of what they were saying.

[metoo]

Here are some suggestions for the Swedish lines:

“Det är han , det är det jag har försökt att få!” (There he is , he is the one I have tried to get) the blonde boy said.
"Där är han, det är honom jag försökt få tag på!"

The little girl gave a little huff to what was said and spoke to the blonde boy, “ Det är han ? Han ser inte så snabbt . Titta han även fick en lite fett på magen”(That's him ? He does not look so fast. Look , he even got a little fat on the stomach).
"Är det han? Han verkar inte så snabb. Titta, han är ju till och med lite tjock om magen."

The blonde boy nodded, “Det är han , det är cthulhuthanos, Wolfchild hjälpte även oss att spåra honom genom den webbplats som han använder för att hitta oss mat. Han är snabb för sin storlek Eli , som du inte skulle tro”(It is he , it is cthulhuthanos , Wolfchild even helped us track him through the website he uses to find us food. He is fast for his size , Eli, you would not believe) .
"Det är han, det är Cthulhuthanos, Wolfchild hjälpte oss till och med att söka upp honom genom websajten han använder för att skaffa oss mat. Han är snabb för sin storlek, Eli, du skulle inte tro det."

The little girl looked quizzically at the boy, “Oskar , går han som en gravid kvinna. Jag slår vad om att han springer ännu värre.” (Oskar , he walks to a pregnant woman. I bet he runs worse).
"Oskar, han går som om han är med barn. Jag slår vad om att han springer ännu sämre."

The dark haired girl looked back at Oskar, “Tja, han är definivt så oförskämd som den från webben”(Well, he is definitely as rude as the one from the web) .
"Tja, han är definitivt lika oförskämd som den från webben."

The girl’s smile turned into a look of disbelief at what was just said, “Han är lika dum för”(he's just as stupid too).
"Han är lika dum också."

The boy, looking as if he were getting very impatient, spoke to the girl, “Om han inte kommer ut snart , ska jag tända monter på elden. han kommer ut då.” (If he does not come out soon , I'll light the booth on fire.)
"Om han inte kommer ut snart så sätter jag fyr på telefonkiosken. Då kommer han ut."

“Oskar” she said, “på det” (on it) he said.
"Oskar" she said, "sätt igång."

[gkmoberg1]

Discussion is on this thread.

I find it contradictory that you are able to ask for discussion given how the story ends

dongregg, it looks like you're still in the clear. Cthulhuthanos seems to only be onto Woofy as part of this site's true nature.