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Afterwards

Posted: Wed Jan 06, 2016 9:04 pm
by metoo
It has been a long time since I last published anything, but today I've submitted a new very short story for moderation.

It will be accessible here as soon as it has been approved.

Re: Afterwards

Posted: Wed Jan 06, 2016 9:26 pm
by dongregg
It will be a treat. Looking forward to it!

Re: Afterwards

Posted: Thu Jan 07, 2016 5:58 pm
by EEA
Pretty good. I like that it's from Eli's point of view, is interesting to know what he was thinking.

It's approved!

Posted: Thu Jan 07, 2016 6:11 pm
by metoo
EEA wrote:Pretty good. I like that it's from Eli's point of view, is interesting to know what he was thinking.
Thanks!

(As EEA already seems to have found, the story now is approved!)

Re: Afterwards

Posted: Thu Jan 07, 2016 6:14 pm
by dongregg
Very graphic. Smart about the smell of smoke on Lacke's clothes, which I don't think he ever changed.

Re: Afterwards

Posted: Thu Jan 07, 2016 6:29 pm
by metoo
dongregg wrote:Very graphic. Smart about the smell of smoke on Lacke's clothes, which I don't think he ever changed.
Thanks.

He (Lacke) didn't this time, at least. I know, because the novel is rather detailed about his whereabouts that day. ;-)

Re: Afterwards

Posted: Thu Jan 07, 2016 7:52 pm
by Drakeule
Nice tie in, Metoo. Can really see this happening.
dongregg wrote:Very graphic. Smart about the smell of smoke on Lacke's clothes, which I don't think he ever changed.
dongregg, I'm going to drive to Atlanta, hold your eyes open with toothpicks and make you read that bloody book! :twisted:

Re: Afterwards

Posted: Thu Jan 07, 2016 8:10 pm
by metoo
Drakeule wrote:Nice tie in, Metoo. Can really see this happening.
Thanks!
Drakeule wrote:dongregg, I'm going to drive to Atlanta, hold your eyes open with toothpicks and make you read that bloody book!
Hmm...
Image

Re: Afterwards

Posted: Thu Jan 07, 2016 9:31 pm
by gkmoberg1
Excellent look at this part of the novel through Eli's point of view.

A delightful ingredient is how you present Eli as not completely himself throughout this event. He's waking up* to the realization of what has just been going on - which has included him attacking Lacke. This of course is a startling and forceful event. So, the start of your story occurs when he's recovering from this act, rather like he's clearing his head and getting his bearings. Really well told!

(* yes, 'waking up' is not the right term, exactly, but for lack of a better term I use this)

It is this first sentence "On the floor of the bathroom in front of Eli was a man laying, dead." that provides this 'break'. On one hand perhaps your goal here was to simply begin the story. But I read it as including the implication of 'Eli is noticing that there is a dead man on the floor in front of him.' This is certainly the case, but it is not until we get several sentences farther that we come to learn that this is case because Eli nommed him. Ahh! And that delayed understanding on our part (the Reader's part) is what gave me to thinking that Eli is sort of still shaking clear the cobwebs of returning to consciousness **.

(** there, that's better than 'waking up')

You could add the smell of alcohol on Lacke's face and clothing. And how quickly will it take before all that alcohol-saturated nutrition start to effect Eli? Is he going to make it out of the bathroom on steady feet?

That Eli can detect the smell of the fire (Virginia's self-immolation of sorts) is something I'd not thought of. But it makes perfect sense - it would be a clear and acrid smell on the clothing. So too the smell of Virginia whom Eli sensed during the attack just days beforehand and now again on the dead man's clothing. What a clever little boy to put all this together.

Wonderful attention to details!

Re: Afterwards

Posted: Thu Jan 07, 2016 10:29 pm
by dongregg
Drakeule wrote:Nice tie in, Metoo. Can really see this happening.
dongregg wrote:Very graphic. Smart about the smell of smoke on Lacke's clothes, which I don't think he ever changed.

dongregg, I'm going to drive to Atlanta, hold your eyes open with toothpicks and make you read that bloody book! :twisted:
Well, GK already said he'd read one page a night to me over the phone. PeteMork also leans on me to read it from time to time. Metoo has already heaved a sigh and written me off as a hopeless cinephile.

But I guess I will read it, but may I finish "Set Me as a Seal upon Your Heart" first? It looks as though Part 4 is only a few weeks (or maybe months) away from a first draft. Meanwhile, I already have one vignette "completed" for Part 5.

They haven't even played in Copenhagen yet! And how many parts are left before they make it to Barcelona? And is getting there the end? Won't there have to be at least one part set there? To set up a happily-ever-after kind of ending? And will that ending just be the end of Book 1?

Okay, I'm committed to reading it sometime. I hope you're all happy now. ;)