Afterwards

Postby metoo » Wed Jan 06, 2016 9:04 pm

It has been a long time since I last published anything, but today I've submitted a new very short story for moderation.

It will be accessible here as soon as it has been approved.
But from the beginning Eli was just Eli. Nothing. Anything. And he is still a mystery to me. John Ajvide Lindqvist
User avatar
metoo
 
Posts: 3179
Joined: Thu Feb 03, 2011 12:36 pm
Location: Södra Sandby, Sweden

Re: Afterwards

Postby dongregg » Wed Jan 06, 2016 9:26 pm

It will be a treat. Looking forward to it!
"For hjertet er livet enkelt: Det slår så længe det kan." - Karl Ove Knausgård
User avatar
dongregg
 
Posts: 2931
Joined: Sun Jul 21, 2013 10:58 pm
Location: Atlanta

Re: Afterwards

Postby EEA » Thu Jan 07, 2016 5:58 pm

Pretty good. I like that it's from Eli's point of view, is interesting to know what he was thinking.
User avatar
EEA
 
Posts: 4730
Joined: Mon May 24, 2010 5:53 pm

It's approved!

Postby metoo » Thu Jan 07, 2016 6:11 pm

EEA wrote:Pretty good. I like that it's from Eli's point of view, is interesting to know what he was thinking.

Thanks!

(As EEA already seems to have found, the story now is approved!)
But from the beginning Eli was just Eli. Nothing. Anything. And he is still a mystery to me. John Ajvide Lindqvist
User avatar
metoo
 
Posts: 3179
Joined: Thu Feb 03, 2011 12:36 pm
Location: Södra Sandby, Sweden

Re: Afterwards

Postby dongregg » Thu Jan 07, 2016 6:14 pm

Very graphic. Smart about the smell of smoke on Lacke's clothes, which I don't think he ever changed.
"For hjertet er livet enkelt: Det slår så længe det kan." - Karl Ove Knausgård
User avatar
dongregg
 
Posts: 2931
Joined: Sun Jul 21, 2013 10:58 pm
Location: Atlanta

Re: Afterwards

Postby metoo » Thu Jan 07, 2016 6:29 pm

dongregg wrote:Very graphic. Smart about the smell of smoke on Lacke's clothes, which I don't think he ever changed.

Thanks.

He (Lacke) didn't this time, at least. I know, because the novel is rather detailed about his whereabouts that day. ;-)
But from the beginning Eli was just Eli. Nothing. Anything. And he is still a mystery to me. John Ajvide Lindqvist
User avatar
metoo
 
Posts: 3179
Joined: Thu Feb 03, 2011 12:36 pm
Location: Södra Sandby, Sweden

Re: Afterwards

Postby Drakeule » Thu Jan 07, 2016 7:52 pm

Nice tie in, Metoo. Can really see this happening.
dongregg wrote:Very graphic. Smart about the smell of smoke on Lacke's clothes, which I don't think he ever changed.
dongregg, I'm going to drive to Atlanta, hold your eyes open with toothpicks and make you read that bloody book! :twisted:
User avatar
Drakeule
 
Posts: 481
Joined: Sat Feb 28, 2015 6:58 am
Location: Sunset Louisiana

Re: Afterwards

Postby metoo » Thu Jan 07, 2016 8:10 pm

Drakeule wrote:Nice tie in, Metoo. Can really see this happening.

Thanks!

Drakeule wrote:dongregg, I'm going to drive to Atlanta, hold your eyes open with toothpicks and make you read that bloody book!

Hmm...
Image
But from the beginning Eli was just Eli. Nothing. Anything. And he is still a mystery to me. John Ajvide Lindqvist
User avatar
metoo
 
Posts: 3179
Joined: Thu Feb 03, 2011 12:36 pm
Location: Södra Sandby, Sweden

Re: Afterwards

Postby gkmoberg1 » Thu Jan 07, 2016 9:31 pm

Excellent look at this part of the novel through Eli's point of view.

A delightful ingredient is how you present Eli as not completely himself throughout this event. He's waking up* to the realization of what has just been going on - which has included him attacking Lacke. This of course is a startling and forceful event. So, the start of your story occurs when he's recovering from this act, rather like he's clearing his head and getting his bearings. Really well told!

(* yes, 'waking up' is not the right term, exactly, but for lack of a better term I use this)

It is this first sentence "On the floor of the bathroom in front of Eli was a man laying, dead." that provides this 'break'. On one hand perhaps your goal here was to simply begin the story. But I read it as including the implication of 'Eli is noticing that there is a dead man on the floor in front of him.' This is certainly the case, but it is not until we get several sentences farther that we come to learn that this is case because Eli nommed him. Ahh! And that delayed understanding on our part (the Reader's part) is what gave me to thinking that Eli is sort of still shaking clear the cobwebs of returning to consciousness **.

(** there, that's better than 'waking up')

You could add the smell of alcohol on Lacke's face and clothing. And how quickly will it take before all that alcohol-saturated nutrition start to effect Eli? Is he going to make it out of the bathroom on steady feet?

That Eli can detect the smell of the fire (Virginia's self-immolation of sorts) is something I'd not thought of. But it makes perfect sense - it would be a clear and acrid smell on the clothing. So too the smell of Virginia whom Eli sensed during the attack just days beforehand and now again on the dead man's clothing. What a clever little boy to put all this together.

Wonderful attention to details!
Image
User avatar
gkmoberg1
Moderator
 
Posts: 3191
Joined: Thu Dec 09, 2010 4:46 am

Re: Afterwards

Postby dongregg » Thu Jan 07, 2016 10:29 pm

Drakeule wrote:Nice tie in, Metoo. Can really see this happening.
dongregg wrote:Very graphic. Smart about the smell of smoke on Lacke's clothes, which I don't think he ever changed.

dongregg, I'm going to drive to Atlanta, hold your eyes open with toothpicks and make you read that bloody book! :twisted:

Well, GK already said he'd read one page a night to me over the phone. PeteMork also leans on me to read it from time to time. Metoo has already heaved a sigh and written me off as a hopeless cinephile.

But I guess I will read it, but may I finish "Set Me as a Seal upon Your Heart" first? It looks as though Part 4 is only a few weeks (or maybe months) away from a first draft. Meanwhile, I already have one vignette "completed" for Part 5.

They haven't even played in Copenhagen yet! And how many parts are left before they make it to Barcelona? And is getting there the end? Won't there have to be at least one part set there? To set up a happily-ever-after kind of ending? And will that ending just be the end of Book 1?

Okay, I'm committed to reading it sometime. I hope you're all happy now. ;)
"For hjertet er livet enkelt: Det slår så længe det kan." - Karl Ove Knausgård
User avatar
dongregg
 
Posts: 2931
Joined: Sun Jul 21, 2013 10:58 pm
Location: Atlanta

cron