intrige wrote:The father daugher thing happening between Avila and Eli does seem kinda rushed don't you think? Well, that is at least what I think. Sorry!
Great story and all but it is a bit too sweet, too fast, too: "They are flipping amazing I met them once now I love them."
But I get it. You are writing from your poor infected heart. I used to do that once. If you take one look at Bloody Romantic you see the exact same thing, only, it is just between Oskar and Eli and: I love you!!!" is thrown everywhere. It is just too much!!
So I get it. But maybe let things take its time for the next part? So I actually kind of buy it, a little? make it a tad bit realistic?
Oh and one more thing.
SHOW DON'T TELL.
Thanks, Trige!
As for the pace, I just have to go with it. Some really important parts of the story develop at a slow, deliberate pace, such as Eli's guilt over turning Oskar. We see it in part 2, it is steadily developed in part 3, and it only reaches its dramatic climax in the last vignette in part 3, right? I'm watching the story unfold before my eyes and writing it down, so things happen when they happen. There's some really creepy Steven King stuff that started in part 2 and ends up getting resolved in part 4.
Wait for it.
The key to how quickly the four of them bond is that all four are very lonely. Oskar and Eli, of course. Totally isolated until they met each other. Ávila and Grigore are two bachelors of a certain age. There's no accounting for how quickly anyone bonds, but it didn't surprise me. I would bet that more of their backstory will emerge in part 4. It's obvious to me that they are not gay, so what's the story? What happened in Spain so that Ávila doesn't like grownups (in part 2)? He likes kids, but he obviously isn't a pedo. And anyway, why are the grownups even in Sweden? I already know, but I won't know the details until I see them "on the screen," where the story is happening.
You wrote:
Great story and all but it is a bit too sweet, too fast, too: "They are flipping amazing I met them once now I love them."
But I get it. You are writing from your poor infected heart. I used to do that once. If you take one look at Bloody Romantic you see the exact same thing, only, it is just between Oskar and Eli and: I love you!!!" is thrown everywhere. It is just too much!!
I guess you'll always be bumping up against my poor infected heart. I am looking at the third anniversary of my infection coming up in March. Has anybody noticed any changes to it? It seems like no time has passed since that first viewing and today.
As far as making the story believable, that's going to have to rest with each reader. It can be as believable as you want it to be. You need to know that I believe everything in the story. Nothing is put in for "writerly effect," because I don't know how to do that. I'm just living it and writing it down. For example, there a rainstorm in part 4. It was very sunny in Atlanta while I was writing the vignette, but every time I looked out my window, I expected it to be raining!
As for show don't tell, well, I'm writing the story, so you have to live with me narrating some parts, having the characters demonstrating some parts, and my three mentors on the forum helping me keep a reasonable balance. Det bara är så!
Okay, I'm smiling because you wrote, "Great story and all..." It
is a great story, but I have to use the tools I've got to tell it. With a little help from my friends. Okay, with a lot of help.
And you are one of my helpers. I hope you will go back to part 2 and read what I did with Detective Sergeant Per Morkus at you and GK's recommendation. Now there are three short vignettes in part 2 featuring him. Gee, there's even a hint of romance when Agnetha shows up at the crime scene. I wonder if...actually, I know, but you will have to wait.
Okay, I hope you will keep following the story and posting your comments.