Set Me as a Seal Part 2

[intrige]

Wow ok.
I read through the whole thing, ya know, instead of sleeping. I liked it a lot.
I liked: Oskar and Eli's "ups" after their "down" in the first part.
They communicate very well, and believably so. Love Eli''s hideput in those woods. Very clever.
I didn't like: The police investigations. it felt empty, and unnecessary as well. Could have worked without it.
How Me. Avila is all round and soft and gentle and hopeful for live and cuteness.. And.. ya know in the book the kids respected/feared him so much they would run in straight lines in silence for two hours if he asked them to. The man had seen war. I could be open minded, but i do not find him to be the soft and uncomfortably polite character. It threw me off.
And last but not least: Oskar and Eli shared WAY TOO MUCH to him. This stuff should at least take a few parts to open up. Eli for one would probably not trust any man ever. NOPE! And share personal stories like that, or sharing how Oskar had to rid off his guts. I bet that would be imberresing for Oskar for the respected and fearful Avila to find out!
Okok, so this is all for good fun, and I shouldn't judge as much!
Ok time for some writing tips!
This story is bones, nearly. Flesh it out! Like you did when Oskar and Eli watched the night sky together in the woods. That was beautiful. Instead of having someone talking about Eli throwing bills away as if it was nothing, show it! Describe it, be in the moment. The smells, sounds, feelings, the looks of the women behind the counters.
Unless you have this little star: * I know you have seen it before. You really shouldn't change perspective. Eli didn't seem to hear the two women talking about how rish or poor Eli was. Stick to one set of eyes at the time and what they observe.
Apart from that it was an engaging story and I want to know more, NOW!!!

One more thing, just from a personal preference. Eli is not a girl. If anything he is a boy, if not, he is neither. But I know many have strong relations to Lina as Eli who are clearly a she, and always referenced to as such. Unlike the book.

[dongregg]

Trige. So glad you liked parts of it! I'll take your writing tips to heart.

[epicfan84]

Really loved it. Good stuff dongregg

More comments to come tomorrow!

[dongregg]

Really loved it. Good stuff dongregg

More comments to come tomorrow!

Great! Can't wait to read 'em. I'm getting a lot of action from PMs about the story, but I hope members will post comments here for all to see.

[dongregg]

Really loved it. Good stuff dongregg

More comments to come tomorrow!

Great! Can't wait to read 'em. I'm getting a lot of action from PMs about the story, but I hope members will post comments here for all to see.

Getting some detailed reviews via PM, but please post comments here so other members can respond.

[gkmoberg1]

hey hey! I'm back from a week away to the far corners of the known world. I see this and want to get to it as soon as I can. cheers!

[dongregg]

The tale is now underway again. I can't say anything about it that wouldn't contain spoilers. It will be weeks, months, before it is submitted for moderation. By then, everyone who is going to will have had a chance to read part 2.

Our dear little vampire pals...

[Mishrashade48]

The tale is now underway again. I can't say anything about it that wouldn't contain spoilers. It will be weeks, months, before it is submitted for moderation. By then, everyone who is going to will have had a chance to read part 2.

Our dear little vampire pals...

That's great to hear. I guess the muse finally whispered to you IT WAS TIME.

But here, I wanted to finally post my thoughts that I already sent you, via PM. So, now everyone can see them. Hooray...I think.

To me, this story feels like a supporting bridge to something much greater. It seems that people always want to see those emotional bonding and cuddling moments from Oskar and Eli, but they have to see it constantly; if they don't then the story becomes slightly strange to them. Now, you know me, and you know I love those tear jerking moments, but as you said, that's not a story. That's one of the reasons I like your story. Our little vampires need a guardian; they need to feel somewhat safe and secure. They have to deal with quite an obstacle in front of them and Mr. Ávila is part of the solution. He is a major part of that bridge I mentioned before.

I thoroughly enjoyed this story. I loved it when Oskar and Eli are explaining to each other how they each got back to Blackeberg and what little personal adventures they experienced. The whole time I was reading story, I was thinking that it just felt right. That's why I like it when when Oskar and Eli lay out all their cards in front of Mr. Ávila. They need to establish that trust with him and there's no other way to do so.

[dongregg]

That's great to hear. I guess the muse finally whispered to you IT WAS TIME.

Well, Mishrashade48, my muse was less subtle this time. She didn't whisper; she slapped me around until I said, "Okay, okay! I'll start writing!"

So I did, and one vignette of several projected ones is complete.

Thanks for your astute comments on part 2. You see the story the same way I do. I got them to Blackeberg and then had to figure a way to get them out again. Meanwhile, they got in some serious cuddling. The growing danger to them was predictable, which is why Eli was in such a hurry to get to Blackeberg in part 1. So yes to part 2 being a bridge to something else. You will find that the next story is definitely not a bridge. I don't want to write myself into a corner again and have to write myself back out of it. I mean, it's really Oskar's fault, not mine, because his boneheaded decision to run out on Eli left me to write them out of the tight spot he landed them in. Thanks a lot, Oskar. Before you get any bright ideas like that again, let's talk.

[Mishrashade48]

That's great to hear. I guess the muse finally whispered to you IT WAS TIME.

Well, Mishrashade48, my muse was less subtle this time. She didn't whisper; she slapped me around until I said, "Okay, okay! I'll start writing!"

So I did, and one vignette of several projected ones is complete.

Ha, sounds like my muse.

I don't blame you for what Oskar did. We can't control what those kids do, we're just along for the ride. Looking forward to reading what comes from that wonderful mind of yours.