When I am With You

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a_contemplative_life
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When I am With You

Post by a_contemplative_life » Sat Dec 28, 2013 3:45 am

Decided I would start a thread on dongregg's new piece of FF, since he is probably too modest to start one himself.

Story Link: http://let-the-right-one-in.com/fancont ... n-i-am-you

It's refreshing to see a new take on the film from Eli's perspective. :D

Found a typo, which I mention since it appears that substantial effort was put into spelling and punctuation:

"Enveloped in darkness, the girl with cuddles her bunny."

I like how you wrote that Eli was immediately attracted to Oskar's natural beauty. And I like how Eli doesn't really even fully understand/grasp the nature of her attraction at first. I guess from your perspective, some things hold true for vampires just as they do for humans. ;)
. . . and she hears herself say her name for the first time since she recruited Håkan.
There's a lot of pathos in that one line.

I would've liked to see your interpretation of Eli's thoughts/reaction to Oskar's offer to give her the cube for a birthday present, and why she turned him down.
As she tries to think of a reassuring answer, he asks her for a favor, to leave off meeting "that boy" tonight. Håkan turns to face her. He half sits on the edge of the table to be more at Eli's level. Eli places her hand on his cheek and gently caresses it. Håkan's old eyes soften, and he returns to his preparations.
Some folks see a nod of agreement in Eli's response. It's a little too subtle for me to interpret. What do you think? She does refrain from tapping later on...
As Håkan opens the window for her, Eli sees the terrible damage the acid has done to his face. He can no longer speak, so he can't invite her to cross the windowsill and come into the room. Håkan leans far out and offers Eli his throat. She quickly drains him of blood and lets his body fall to the ground far below.
What do you think Eli's emotions are at this juncture with regard to Håkan?
But Eli has no thoughts. She is just here. She used up her few thoughts the night before and is now just reacting to events. There is no place she wants to be but here with Oskar.
Loneliness?
And she definitely enjoyed Oskar’s hug behind the candy kiosk.
When did realize this--before or after she came to Oskar's bedroom?
As dawn approaches, Eli thinks about something Håkan said when they moved last time—To flee is life; to stay, death.
Interesting to think that Håkan might have introduced Eli to Shakespeare...
Eli throws herself to the floor and begins lapping up the blood.
Do you think she was trying to save Oskar by doing this?
It is not courage and not self-confidence that lets Eli ring Oskar's doorbell—it is desperation. She yearns to be with him. He is all she has or wants.
Poor Eli . . . to think how oblivious (and perhaps callous) Oskar is to her feelings for him. How many childhood crushes/friendships are like this? :lol:
Eli steps through the door and moves into the room.
How significant an act is this on Eli's part, in your view? Some people see it as Eli literally placing her life into Oskar's hands. Were her feelings for Oskar not so deep, might she simply have turned and left in a huff? Or was the decision less sacrificial and more a childish, "I'll show you what happens when you're mean to me." (?)
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Re: When I am With You

Post by intrige » Sat Dec 28, 2013 5:14 am

Mostly it is like you describe the movie, sometimes you describe Eli's thoughts and conflicts, and bring new things, like Håkan telling her the famous words on their first note. But mostly, to me, it seemed like an obervation, and is not very well written, sorry. But I did enjoy reading it very much though, it was nice :) And sweet.
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Re: When I am With You

Post by dongregg » Sat Dec 28, 2013 5:31 am

Thank you for the close reading, a_c_l! Your questions require so much thought that pondering them has brought me to my own personal "dawn," where staying up any later is not a good option. I had arranged for my two veteran teaching assistants to cover for me during the Christmas break, but one has been hospitalized with a thyroid-driven illness and the other chose this time to break up with her long-time boyfriend and move back to her hometown. I have two new TAs, but they have just begun the rigorous training program that I require. So off to school tomorrow where I will grieve as my vacation days disappear forever. (They don't roll over.) Yeah, and then I have to teach the first of 15 classes of a graduate research course that starts the first week of January. (This may be more info than our posting rules allow. As a moderator, please delete any of the above without comment.)

More to follow. And thanks, too, for creating the thread.
“For drama to deepen, we must see the loneliness of the monster and the cunning of the innocent.”

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Re: When I am With You

Post by dongregg » Sat Dec 28, 2013 5:39 am

intrige wrote:Mostly it is like you describe the movie, sometimes you describe Eli's thoughts and conflicts, and bring new things, like Håkan telling her the famous words on their first note. But mostly, to me, it seemed like an observation, and is not very well written, sorry. But I did enjoy reading it very much though, it was nice :) And sweet.
Dear intrige. You are such a jewel. That you found the story to be sweet is wonderful! For me, this was a chance to revisit scenes in the film just to re-experience them, to relive my feelings about Oskar and Eli. I hope it worked that way for you.
“For drama to deepen, we must see the loneliness of the monster and the cunning of the innocent.”

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Re: When I am With You

Post by intrige » Sat Dec 28, 2013 5:51 am

Thanks! You did get the core of the story anyhow, Oskar and Eli. Even though Eli's experience of the movie has been portrayed in quite a few fan.fics. For any new one, there is always something new and always something interesting. Like I mentioned about the quite Eli took from Håkan. And I also really liked how you handled Eli's identety, and what gender she viewed herself as, and I would say I agree with you on it aswell.

But a solid tip when it comes to writing: Show don't tell. It is better to describe how someone looks when they're about to cry, rather than write: s/he was about to cry.
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Re: When I am With You

Post by metoo » Sat Dec 28, 2013 7:29 am

A little remark about Swedish pronunciation.
She starts to say Elias, but she cuts it off at Eli.
Eli, as pronounced throughout the film, has the first syllable stressed, while the Swedish pronunciation of Elias stresses the second syllable. This creates a very notable difference in the pronunciation of the vowels e and i. The difference is called long and short pronunciation.

Here is a Wikipedia article on the subject.

Eli has a long e and a short i, while Elias has a short e and a long i (and a short a). Thus, to say Eli you have to intend doing so from the start. If you begin saying Elias but cut yourself off, you end up with something quite different.

Furthermore, the name Eli doesn't sound particularly girlish to me. In fact, about the same (small) number of Swedish men and women use it as a first name: 225 men to 171 women. The name is much more common in Norway, though, where it is primarily a women's name (8367 women to 14 men).
But from the beginning Eli was just Eli. Nothing. Anything. And he is still a mystery to me. John Ajvide Lindqvist

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Re: When I am With You

Post by a_contemplative_life » Sat Dec 28, 2013 12:58 pm

I think it's funny how Oskar repeats Eli's name as a question after she says it for the first time, as though he's never heard the name before. Not easily perturbed, Eli just says "yes." Cute...
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Re: When I am With You

Post by Jameron » Sat Dec 28, 2013 3:31 pm

An interesting view of Eli's possible thoughts from the film version of this story :D
a_contemplative_life wrote:
dongregg wrote:As dawn approaches, Eli thinks about something Håkan said when they moved last time—To flee is life; to stay, death.
Interesting to think that Håkan might have introduced Eli to Shakespeare...
Yes, this jumped out at me too. It seems obvious now, what with Håkan teaching Swedish in a high school, and loving literature, the classics.

.
"For a few seconds Oskar saw through Eli’s eyes. And what he saw was … himself. Only much better, more handsome, stronger than what he thought of himself. Seen with love."

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Re: When I am With You

Post by dongregg » Sat Dec 28, 2013 4:22 pm

metoo wrote:A little remark about Swedish pronunciation.
She starts to say Elias, but she cuts it off at Eli.
Eli, as pronounced throughout the film, has the first syllable stressed, while the Swedish pronunciation of Elias stresses the second syllable. This creates a very notable difference in the pronunciation of the vowels e and i. The difference is called long and short pronunciation.

Here is a Wikipedia article on the subject.

Eli has a long e and a short i, while Elias has a short e and a long i (and a short a). Thus, to say Eli you have to intend doing so from the start. If you begin saying Elias but cut yourself off, you end up with something quite different.

Furthermore, the name Eli doesn't sound particularly girlish to me. In fact, about the same (small) number of Swedish men and women use it as a first name: 225 men to 171 women. The name is much more common in Norway, though, where it is primarily a women's name (8367 women to 14 men).
Thanks, metoo. Good info and a very helpful Wikipedia article.

English stresses the second syllable of Elias, also, but English vowels changed beyond all recognition sometime between 1400 and 1600. For Elias, the middle syllable changed from LEE to LIE. As spoken today, when Elias is shortened to Eli, ee-LIE-es becomes EE-lie, as in Eli Manning. I rarely see Eli used as a girl's name here, but we have Ellie, pronounce EH-lee, and we have Ella.

As I encounter spoken Swedish, I appreciation how difficult the sound of both languages must be for the newcomer. I think Swedish is a lot easier to read than English, but as spoken, both languages are challenging.

By the way--I have a good reason to practice hearing Swedish as well as reading it--my wife has relatives in Denmark. She visited them a few years ago and is sure to go back. I''ll probably spend more time in Blackeberg/Stockholm than in Copenhagen if I go with her next time. Oh, she has relatives in Stockholm, too, and a bunch came to Denmark for the family reunion her relatives had arranged for her visit--about 50 folks from both countries.

As it happens, my wife speaks a Bronx, NY, variant of English and I speak an Alabama variant. One day we were talking about cars, and she said she likes the "Satin" ("SAT'n"). That threw me. Of course, she meant "Saturn" ("SAi-yet-ern" in deep-Dixie speak)!
“For drama to deepen, we must see the loneliness of the monster and the cunning of the innocent.”

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Re: When I am With You

Post by dongregg » Sat Dec 28, 2013 4:45 pm

intrige wrote:Thanks! You did get the core of the story anyhow, Oskar and Eli. Even though Eli's experience of the movie has been portrayed in quite a few fan.fics. For any new one, there is always something new and always something interesting. Like I mentioned about the quite Eli took from Håkan. And I also really liked how you handled Eli's identety, and what gender she viewed herself as, and I would say I agree with you on it aswell.

But a solid tip when it comes to writing: Show don't tell. It is better to describe how someone looks when they're about to cry, rather than write: s/he was about to cry.
Thanks intrige. Because I wanted to stress that Eli is a boy, I consistently showed his emotions as how they would feel--a squeezing of the chest, a flutter in the stomach, a heavy feeling in the chest, like wanting to cry. I did this because that's how boys experience emotions--as a physical manifestation. Girls do, too, but then girls have ways of further identifying the feelings, whereas we boys aren't taught a lot of emotion-related words. (I call anger the Swiss Army knife of male emotions--hurt feelings, get mad; jealous, get mad; dissed, get mad...) "Big boys don't cry."

The film already "shows," by the way. That's the same as with plays. But "When I Am with You" is about what Eli feels and what she sees, not what the reader feels and sees. It was a conscious choice. If you read it again (and I know you will), please bear that in mind.

But intrige, I'm glad that anyone is reading this slight story of mine! Please let me know other things you see about it!

Edit: Pesky spell-checker keeps changing your name to "intrigue"!
Edit 2: My typing sucks.
Last edited by dongregg on Tue Mar 18, 2014 8:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.
“For drama to deepen, we must see the loneliness of the monster and the cunning of the innocent.”

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