Pittsburgh, a LMI2 Fan Fic

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PeteMork
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Re: Pittsburgh, a LMI2 Fan Fic

Post by PeteMork » Tue May 29, 2012 5:42 am

gkmoberg1 wrote:Ooops, I missed Pete's question:
PeteMork wrote:Maybe I'm wrong but isn't “Uh, you better come in,” an invitation Abby can accept without Randy having to be more explicit? :think:
Well, I didn't think so. I was remembering this from LMI2, Chapter 2:
Lee Kyle wrote:In ten minutes they pulled into a driveway belonging to a small, single-story home. "You have to say I can come in," Abby suddenly piped up. "You have to say it: you can come in."

The driver looked puzzled, but he acceded to Abby's request: "You can come in," he said.
It appears, based on what she is asking, there has to be an absolutely direct invitation. Randy's "Uh you better come in" is indirect regarding the invitation element. His statement implies she is invited within, but it only implies. Perhaps this is not enough. If indirect invitation is permitable then Abby, in LMI CH2 could have asked, "Oh, are we invited in?". This surely draws less attention than "You have to say it: you can come in." The driver would not appear puzzled. The sneaky "Oh are we invited in?" is a far more normal question. The driver's suspicions would not be aroused. Rather he might think she is being polite. From all that I assumed a "Yes" - as answered in response to "Oh, are we invited in?" - is not good enough. Somehow "Yes" even if given in response to the direct "Are we invited in?" is not enough. Soo..... I went entirely the other way and had her make sure to put the question to Randy in the same manner done in LMI2. The invitation has to be direct.
You're probably right, in retrospect. Better safe than sorry. :shock: Even in LTROI, Oskar's nod and his subsequent stepping aside, which most of us would interpret correctly as an invitation to come in, clearly wasn't enough. Even Eli said, "You have to say that I can come in."
We never stop reading, although every book comes to an end, just as we never stop living, although death is certain. (Roberto Bolaño)

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metoo
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Re: Pittsburgh, a LMI2 Fan Fic

Post by metoo » Tue May 29, 2012 10:25 am

Yes. This is word magic - speech has long been regarded magical, for instance is it a widespread view that speaking about bad stuff might draw it to you.
But from the beginning Eli was just Eli. Nothing. Anything. And he is still a mystery to me. John Ajvide Lindqvist

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gkmoberg1
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Re: Pittsburgh, a LMI2 Fan Fic

Post by gkmoberg1 » Fri Jun 01, 2012 5:51 pm

Hi! I'm looking for input on reviewing Chapters Two and Three. If you'd like to help, let me know and I'll send you my drafts. :) Thanks!

Lee Kyle
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Re: Pittsburgh, a LMI2 Fan Fic

Post by Lee Kyle » Sun Jun 03, 2012 4:14 am

Things don't look good for Randy right now. Sister plus Dale going to fare any better? Perhaps it's a real dinner party.

Descriptions of setting seem best when such descriptions further the development of your characters. Can you show Randy interacting with his environment, reflecting upon it, altering it? This way the setting becomes a stronger vehicle for letting us see what Randy is like.

Likewise the phrase "His mind was a mosaic of thoughts with nothing connecting." Instead of saying this, let us hear Randy's thoughts and reach our own conclusion about whether or not those thoughts connect.

Looking forward to the next chapter. Great job!

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gkmoberg1
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Re: Pittsburgh, a LMI2 Fan Fic

Post by gkmoberg1 » Mon Jun 04, 2012 10:19 pm

Thank you for the supportive words and suggestions. All are very appreciated. Let's see if I can improve for the next parts.

Chapter Two is in the works but taking longer than I expected. Chapter Three is further along and might get finished first. However I will stick with a sequential publication.

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gkmoberg1
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Re: Pittsburgh, a LMI2 Fan Fic

Post by gkmoberg1 » Sat Jun 09, 2012 11:20 pm

Chapter Two is posted.

Thank You to metoo, EEA and DMt. for their kind reviews and help! :)

Lee Kyle
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Re: Pittsburgh, a LMI2 Fan Fic

Post by Lee Kyle » Sun Jun 10, 2012 4:40 am

Thanks for chpt 2! Definitely feel the tension as Abby closes in. Are we going to have a bloodbath? Or are some people present in the house going to survive the night? Who would we most like to see eaten, and why?

thestich
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Re: Pittsburgh, a LMI2 Fan Fic

Post by thestich » Mon Jun 11, 2012 12:14 am

Dale had arrived.
And just in a nick of time.....
While wandering here between posts and FF, I am gradually getting convinced, that I haven't seen anywhere more beautiful madness than on this forum. Clubmeister

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gkmoberg1
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Re: Pittsburgh, a LMI2 Fan Fic

Post by gkmoberg1 » Mon Jun 11, 2012 6:55 am

Yes it is fortuitous that Dale arrived when he did! Had he been delayed by traffic or had his red Le Car suffered a flat tire, well, Randy's chances of making it to Chapter Three would have been, um, pretty thin. We might not even need a Chapter Three, huh?

I've been thinking what the possible outcomes could be. Btw, the final chapter is largely done and has been given a sweeping by my wonderful reviewers. (I wrote the final chapter before starting Chapter Two.) But as for possible outcomes, I can see 1. the bloodbath scenario, or 2. everyone survives, or 3. Randy does get nommed somehow, or 4. Dale doesn't survive, or even 5. Amy doesn't survive. Or, possibly, any combination of 3, 4 and 5, which if added up too far leads to 1. Right? I think option 2 would be good - which could be accomplished if they find a way to drive off or scare off Abby, forcing her to find another target. That would also allow me to write another story! heh. Well, we know for now that Randy has lucked out. Plus some evidence of what is going to happen by reading LMI2's Chapter 8.

I know what my Chapter Three needs to contain but have not started it. I wonder how long it will take to write.

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Clubmeister
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Re: Pittsburgh, a LMI2 Fan Fic

Post by Clubmeister » Mon Jun 11, 2012 9:38 pm

As Pete has said:
PeteMork wrote:Your attention to detail made it easy for me to get 'sucked in' to your story...
I like this moment:
He did not understand what her motivations might be or if he was right in suspecting her intention. But the hairs on the nape of his neck rose and a twinge crossed his chest from shoulder to shoulder. Slowly, deliberately, her hand renewed its course, upwards.

It's very, very nice. This episode made me smile. :) All is as in the classic horror films (and I'm a big fun of horror films)
He is looking at me, silently, expectantly, in the near-dark room, neither smiling nor frowning; gaunt as a Belsen child, proud as the Devil, distant and beautiful as a star. [DMt.]

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