Pittsburgh, a LMI2 Fan Fic

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gkmoberg1
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Re: Pittsburgh, a LMI2 Fan Fic

Post by gkmoberg1 » Mon Jun 11, 2012 11:07 pm

Glad you liked it! :)

Randy makes the guess that she is going to turn off the light. But as for why she would do that, he has no clue. Why should he suspect that she would next streak down the stairs in the darkness and ... well, yeh, ouch... right.

Of course she might have had nothing more ominous in mind than wanting to go back to the kitchen and retry the phone. Or - also very likely, but outside of Randy's self-absorbed thinking - she knows she should not enter a secluded basement with an unknown boy? (Her mom would be proud.)

Or maybe she's a blood-thirsty vampirette, but hey, that's totally off the hook.

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Re: Pittsburgh, a LMI2 Fan Fic

Post by gkmoberg1 » Thu Jun 28, 2012 2:24 am

Chapter 3: 749pm is posted. I'm not entirely sure it's ready for prime-time but will go with it.

Thank You! to metoo, PeteMork and EEA for helping me get this far. The backstage draft edits, suggestions and ruminations have been very encouraging and rewarding.

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Re: Pittsburgh, a LMI2 Fan Fic

Post by gkmoberg1 » Thu Jun 28, 2012 2:31 am

I took out the final sentence of Chapter Two - "Dale had arrived."

While the fact is true (Dale had arrived), the sentence's inclusion is a mistake. One of my objectives is to not include the obvious result. For example, we don't get to read "Randy said "You may come in."" at either the end of Chapter One or at the start of Chapter Two. Rather it is left implied, based on that it had to have occurred. So too, then "Dale had arrived." should not be included.

The ending of all this is along these same lines. There is no need to state what happens at the conclusion of all this. If the reader has read the story, then they know and I don't have to write it. So towards that, "Dale had arrived." was something I should not have put in.

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Re: Pittsburgh, a LMI2 Fan Fic

Post by gkmoberg1 » Thu Jun 28, 2012 3:36 am

As with the mention of Donnie Iris in the prior chapter, Crack the Sky was a popular upcoming act, popular at the time for this region of the eastern seaboard. Their album 'Safety In Numbers', where this song 'A Night on the Town (With Snow White)' is found, was well known to local musicians and garage bands. The group's catchy & non-standard lyrics and unusual song constructions made them the trendy group to pay attention to. CtS differed starkly and nicely against Donnie Iris' power-chord driven mainstream rock. You can find this song, 'A Night on the Town', on youtube. I was surprised and delighted to find there this week a set of vids called 'Crack the Sky Pittsburgh 2011 ...". (2011! :D ) Thus the group remains active, as with Donnie Iris, and it's great to see them doing these numbers live. Btw, my motivation for all this has not been to promote a band. Rather I've sought to include elements that would make sense for this point in time (Jan 1984). Randy and Dale, two recent high school guys making those first steps into whatever comes next after graduating, love the music scene that is around them - which for the Pittsburgh area certainly included Donnie and CtS.

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Re: Pittsburgh, a LMI2 Fan Fic

Post by metoo » Thu Jun 28, 2012 4:36 am

It's here, for those too lazy to look it up themselves. Let it run while reading, and you'll get in the right mood!
But from the beginning Eli was just Eli. Nothing. Anything. And he is still a mystery to me. John Ajvide Lindqvist

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Re: Pittsburgh, a LMI2 Fan Fic

Post by gkmoberg1 » Thu Jun 28, 2012 11:51 pm

Bet you didn't know I'm a sketch artist, known the world over... yeh, right. Anyway, this is my attempt to draw the basement scene from Chapter Three.

Image

He had planned on snapping the mic into a stand but it was out of reach. Hoping against hope for a friendlier outcome, he held the microphone out to Abby and flicked it on. "Here you hold onto this gently and I'll play this one bit again." He continued as she hesitantly took it from him through the open railing. "I'll run you home or wherever you want to go right after this. Okay?"

This is from Randy's point of view, sitting at the drum kit, looking across the basement at Dale and Abby.

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Re: Pittsburgh, a LMI2 Fan Fic

Post by PeteMork » Fri Jun 29, 2012 2:51 am

All I can say is, Randy's basement is a lot less cluttered than my garage. :D
We never stop reading, although every book comes to an end, just as we never stop living, although death is certain. (Roberto Bolaño)

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Re: Pittsburgh, a LMI2 Fan Fic

Post by metoo » Fri Jun 29, 2012 4:48 am

Yes, I realised this was the configuration when you added "through the open railing". Before that I had an image of Dale sitting a small distance to the left of the stairs in this picture, where Abby wouldn't have reached the mike. Images are important, and if the reader's image doesn't correspond with the writer's, confusion may result. Still, overly detailed descriptions of how things happen may become tedious and boring, so there is a thin line to tread here.
But from the beginning Eli was just Eli. Nothing. Anything. And he is still a mystery to me. John Ajvide Lindqvist

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Re: Pittsburgh, a LMI2 Fan Fic

Post by gkmoberg1 » Fri Jun 29, 2012 1:50 pm

RIght, it is hard to find the balance.

My first drafts of CH1 were heavy on descriptive text. Cutting that out, while it removed a lot of color, made the story flow. On the other hand, very sparse descriptive text doesn't provide the reader enough.

....

Here's a rule children use to learn the their negative/positive outcomes for multiplication and division. I was taught this somewhere in 4th o4 5th grade? It's always stuck with me.

When good things happen to good people, that's good.
When bad things happen to good people, that's bad.
When good things happen to bad people, that's bad.
When bad things happen to bad people, that's good.


I wonder if it is old enough that Abby would have know it. What principles guide her?

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Re: Pittsburgh, a LMI2 Fan Fic

Post by Clubmeister » Fri Jun 29, 2012 9:15 pm

gkmoberg1 wrote:
When good things happen to good people, that's good.
When bad things happen to good people, that's bad.
When good things happen to bad people, that's bad.
When bad things happen to bad people, that's good.
It's funny :D If everything in our life was so simple.
---------
My very bright imagination helps me to see this scene, but your sketch, Gk, is very nice by itself !
And this chapter is just magical by it's emotional content. I really was hesitating - if Abby will eat only one of them or both :lol:
I'm even disappointed a little :mrgreen:
He is looking at me, silently, expectantly, in the near-dark room, neither smiling nor frowning; gaunt as a Belsen child, proud as the Devil, distant and beautiful as a star. [DMt.]

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