little Funny Fictions:)

[Clubmeister]

So, here it is

Eli, Oskar and bureaucracy

Oskar looked at the calendar.
- Oh, man! We forgot to renew our vampire license.
Eli stretched lazily on the couch.
- Well, not a problem. Tomorrow we’ll go and renew.

Said - done. At Thursday midnight Eli and Oskar were already sitting in the waiting room of the regional office for registration vampire licenses. Pretty secretary invited them into the office:
- Come on, Mr. Gekko is ready to receive you.
They went inside. At the table sat a middle aged man (vampire, of course) and lazily polished nails with a nail file. Seeing entered, he smiled and made a welcoming inviting gesture:
- Eli and Oskar Eriksson, how nice of you to come! There’re no many visitors recently. What can I do?
- We need to renew the license.
- License? Yes, of course. Nothing is easier! You only need to submit a certificate from an authorised fangs grinder, that your fangs sharpened properly. This is requirement of Environmental Committee. They need to know, that your say so ... donors do not suffer from blunt teeth bite.
- But we are okay with sharpness!
Vampire regretfully threw up his hands:
- Alas! I can not help. Without this certificate, we do not extend the license. But do not worry! Here is the office address of authorised grinder, Mr. Huchi, I think there'll be fast.
Waiting for you with a certificate!

Eli with Oskar turned and left the office disappointed. Oskar suggested:
- Well, maybe fly now? It's kind of close.
- Let’s go.
A few minutes later they were standing at the other door, with a sign "Alex Huchi. Grinder services" and below, in smaller letters, "You do not even imagine what we have to sharpen."
Below this were the schedule
Work: Sun-Wed 23:00 - 6:00
Days off: Thu - Sat
Eli sighed:
- Damn! Day off.
- The hell with them, let’s go on night attractions.
- Well, look ... You suggested it yourself.

And they went on a roller coaster ride and Oskar got sick as usual.
Eli consoled him:
- Oskar, you're a special vampire, you should be proud of yourself. Vampires have a perfect vestibular apparatus, they have never been sick in airplanes and on the rides. And you've got it somehow ... It’s not bad really. But you have to pay the price for your fine spiritual organization!
She tried not to laugh.

On Monday night, they stood again at the fangs grinder door. This time office worked.
After listening to their needs, Alex Huchi enthusiastically replied:
- Easy as a pie! I already getting the form out of my desk, and you just let me see your claws certificate.
Oscar began to get angry.
- What the hell the claws certificate? We are okay with claws!
And he immediately prodused his claws, sharp as a razor.
Grinder sighed:
- I really believe you. But according to the rules, your claws can not be considered as sharp if you do not have the claws certificate from our authorized claws grinder, Mr. Ogogo.
Eli growled.
- Do not be nervous! He is very close, around the corner, and working right now.
Mr. Huchi wrote address and soon Eli and Oscar were already in the cabinet of the claws grinder.

He listened to them carefully and sympathetically, saying:
- Here Huchi, here bureaucrat! Well, okay, I'll give you this certificate and I do not need anything from you. Exerpt the valid vampire license, of course.
Oskar groaned. Eli pulled his arm and they walked out of the office.
- I think I can guess what will help us. Go to the licenses office and wait for me there, I’ll fly home quickly on one errand.

In 15 minutes they had already entered the office of Mr. Gekko. Eli whispered Oskar :
- I will speak.
Mr. Gekko greeted them warmly:
- Hello, ladies and gentlemen! Well, have you brought the certificate from the fangs grinder?
- Alas! But maybe you still will be able to help us?
With these words, Eli took a few large bills and laid them on the table. Mr. Gekko smile faded, he quickly looked right and left (as if someone could spy him in his own cabinet)
and his face became stern. But without waiting for his remarks, Eli continued:
- We're here decided to donate stationery for you.
Smile has returned on the face of Mr. Gekko.
- Well, it's very nice of you. We always have problems with stationery. Come the day after tomorrow, I think, how I can help you.

The day after tomorrow in the same office Mr. Gekko solemnly handed to our couple a brand new vampire license.
- This is a pleasure to deal with you, guys. Considering your invaluable help to our office, I decided to avoid unnecessary formalities. The only caveat, - you need the latest, most important signature of our Regional Director, Mr. Smith. Without it, the license is invalid. Here's his address and phone number.

Eli and Oscar thanked and left the office.
Oscar indignantly exclaimed:
- What a mess! It's just unheard of! Someone has to pay for this mess!
- This is the legal sphere. Accordingly to this, some lawyer will pay. He will have to take the rap for all of them.

It took some time to find a lawyer, who is willing to get acquainted with the case in the evening, or rather, after sunset.
Jameson, their old friend, had to negotiate aboput all this. He always had to negotiate in such cases (poor thing). However, he didn't be the loser.
The meeting with Mr. Smith was arranged in advance. As for the lawyer, Mr. Buschke, they told him the honest truth – “it is necessary to understand the complex issue of licenses”.
At the time Buschke already entered the office of Smith and Eli and Oskar accompanied him behind. Jameson had to make some effort to convince Buschke that the presence of these kids is needed. The promise of a generous fee accelerated this process.

Smith and Buschke shook each other's hands and Eli from behind of Buschke pointed a finger at him to Smith and liked her lips eloquently:
- This is our consultant on licenses.
- Yeah, - responded Smith - license play an important role in our lives. Without those – neither to gnaw a throat, nor to drink a nice glass of blood.
While Mr. Buschke tried to digest the foregoing sentence, Smith continued:
- Do not worry, the procedure does not take long.
And yes, it did not.
Smith as a shadow pounced on Buschke and stabbed his fangs in his throat, holding the victim's mouth, to prevent the scream. After a few deep gulps, he licked his lips and made a magnanimous, inviting gesture:
- Thank you, guys, I'm not hungry, - I already... signed two licenses today.

Eli and Oskar hadn't to be asked long and less than a minute later it was all over.
Smith pulled out a gold pen from a drawer, dipped it in the blood of the victim and put his elegant, polished by centuries, signature on the license.
- Congratulations! In the next 30 years you do not need to worry about licenses.
- Thank you, Mr. Smith!

They left the office, and Smith pushed the button at the table. Immediately two men in overalls went in. Without further ado, they set to work and earlier than Oskar and Eli left the building, there were not even a hint from the traces of Mr. Buschke.
Oskar mused:
- There’re a lot of trouble getting the license, however.
Eli added:
- But there's no evil without good...
And they both licked their lips.

[dongregg]

License? Yes, of course. Nothing is easier! You only need to submit a certificate from an authorised fangs grinder, that your fangs sharpened properly. This is requirement of Environmental Committee. They need to know, that your say so ... donors do not suffer from blunt teeth bite.

Typical Clubby--Very funny and off the wall. As for the Environmental Committee, I think Eli would be as uncomfortable as I am about living in an age of political correctness. You can't pollute lakes by tossing in dead bodies. If you burn down a house to obscure how your victim died, you add to global warming. Same thing if you lose track of the time and the sun lights you on fire. (You have to pay a big fine for that. ) Oh, and you are not permitted to mention someone's necrotic odor--it might affect his or her self-esteem. Speaking of him or her and his and hers--you could start using the proposed gender-neutral pronouns. Instead of use tim and ter and tims and ters. It and its are already gender neutral, but I believe the committee added tit and tits just for bureaucratic consistency, which is of course the hobgoblin of petty minds. I also think I remember seeing twit and twits on the list. As I recall, it's a gender-neutral pronoun for bureaucrat.

Bureaucratic overseer: You nitwits, Tim and ter are still gender specific!
Bureaucratic drone: Sorry, but here's the memo: "Change gender-specific pronouns to gender-neutral pronouns by starting pronouns with the letter t."
BO: Yes, but that's not what the memo meant!
BD: Well, we'll need another memo.
BO: Fine, but what possessed you to change an already gender-neutral pronoun it and its to tit and tits!
BD: Oh, that's in the vision statement your committee wrote for the department: "Consistency is never foolish."
BO: Okay, then, I'll form a vision statement revision committee to revise the vision statement. I'll put it on the calendar for next June.
BD: By the way, isn't nitwit gender specific? We may need more pronouns.
BO: I suppose so, but since most bureaucrats are male, let's just stick with twit.

[Clubmeister]

Thanks, dongregg, for the detailed comments!
This story could be much longer, but perspective of translating it teerified me and I chickened out and finished it quickly

[intrige]

I liked it too! It was a funny read! Abd that world they were in was very interesting!

[EEA]

Pretty funny. Oskar and Eli almost went crazy.

[PeteMork]

Poor things! Even in vampiredom, you can't get away from crooked politicians.

[Clubmeister]

I liked it too! It was a funny read! Abd that world they were in was very interesting!

Thanks, Intrige!
First I intended to finish it after scene with the stationery, but then decided to add some more fun

Pretty funny. Oskar and Eli almost went crazy.

Yes, they did!
I'm glad that you you cheered up!

Poor things! Even in vampiredom, you can't get away from crooked politicians.

You're right! Thanks Eli, who lived long enough to understand, what to do.
Oskar himself probably woul be confused

[dongregg]

See above for edits to my original response.

[Clubmeister]

See above for edits to my original response.

Thanks, dongregg!
Your comment is funny, but I don't understand the deteils, because my English is not very good

[dongregg]

See above for edits to my original response.

Thanks, dongregg!
Your comment is funny, but I don't understand the deteils, because my English is not very good

Oh, heck. It's way funny. I wish I could come to Kiev some time. We could have fun with language and jokes.