My Poem On Let The Right One In! Took Ages To Write lol!!
My Poem On Let The Right One In! Took Ages To Write lol!!
Just be warned its pretty long but i hope you enjoy it:
Who are you? Whats your name?
You say i cant be your friend,
who says i like you anyway.
You feel so cold as we're out in the snow.
You should wear a jacket when the weathers like this, you know?
You can have my Rubiks Cube, just for a day.
So your Eli? cool, i like that name.
My name's Oskar. Wow, we're bothy twelve!
More or less? What do you mean?
no presents no gifts?
you're more than meets the eye, it seems.
I get picked on at school....
Yeah by Johnny and his crew.
You tell me to hit back hard but there's three.
Ok, i'll hit back hard,
harder than i dare!
I'll hit so hard i'll give them a scare!
Come with me, come on
This candy is delicious, you should try some!
It's your loss if you don't. They're really yum!
I'm sorry your sick, it was my fault.
Now my arms are around you, after your revolt.
I don't know what it is and i don't know what it's called.
All i know is that i like you, please don't go away.
I'd like you if you weren't a girl anyway.
-------------------
Oskar, Oskar.
Do i smell better now?
I'm not cold because i forgot how.
I never thought I could ever feel this way.
Trust me just let me in, its true.
Oskar let me in, please say yes.
don't look at me, im going to undress.
I'm naked, is that gross?
Go steady? What does that mean?
Will things still be the same between you and me?
I run my finger down towards your hand. Your fingers feel so warm against mine.
I wish this moment would last forever.
Like a pause in time.
But Oskar...you still don't know
You don't know
------------------
Eli! Eli!
I hit Johnny hard on the ear with a stick!
I like you so much lets form a bond
but you stare at my blood while it drips.
Just stick your finger in. come on! come on!
------------------
Oskar, no
Oskar, please
I don't want to let you see.
I can't do it, i can't keep myself restrained
Go Away!
Go Away!
------------------
------------------
------------------
Is this where you live?
There's not much to see.
Wait...Eli? Why'd you close the door on me?
We're separated by the glass.
Through the door your hand follows mine.
As we talk we stare into each others eyes.
-------------------
Oskar, I'm a vampire, yes.
Don't worry, i'm alive not dead.
I live off blood to survive,
Because without it i would die
I've also been twelve for a very long time.
------------------
You open the door and I step in.
this room contains hardly anything.
Put my finger on that silver egg?
Sell it to buy a nuclear power plant?
yeah, haha, sure
Wait, what are those rings for?
Well i'd like to stay but i have to go.
I have flyers to distribute tomorrow.
I do it for the money, yes.
No, i don't want any of your cash.
is it form the people that you kill?
does murder give you a thrill?
Well sorry i gotta go now, I really have to leave.
That is...
If you'll let me.
-------------------
Hello Oskar, it's me again. I'm really sorry about the other night.
I got all dressed up, just for you! tell me, do i look all right?
I stare at you and i try my best to smile...
Aren't you gona invite me in?
-------------------
Why should i invite you in?
You'll walk in anyway.
Is there something between us?
I watch as your smile fades...
You walk inside, it doesn't take long.
But wait, Eli?...
Did i do something wrong?
Blood drips from your ears.
Red runs down your eyes, they look like tears!
------------------
Oskar please be me for awhile.
I'm more than what appears to be a child.
Let me in or i'll keep going on.
Let me in or I'll be gone.
------------------
The blood comes from your pores!
What the hell happened when you walked through my door?!
Eli!Eli! Please don't die
Don't do this, you'll make me cry!
Stop! Stop! You can come inside!
------------------
------------------
------------------
Who's that man? What's he doing here?
I'm under the table. Don't be scared, don't be scared
He grabbed a knife, what's it for?
No, oh no, he's opened the bathroom door.
I creep up behind him, knife in hand.
but his is on your neck ready to stab!
````NO!````
------------------
Thank you Oskar, for saving my life.
If you weren't here i may have died.
I love you but i have to go.
I hug you one last time, i hug you tight.
Here's a kiss to remember me by, i hope the blood is something you don't mind.
when im gone please don't cry
-----------------
-----------------
-----------------
Three minutes? What? that's impossible!
That's a challenge i can't fulfill.
You grab my hair, it hurts so much.
Please, i'm not someone you want to kill.
I can't hold it anymore, im going to die.
Why did things turn out like this? Oh why oh why?
All of a sudden the hand breaks free
What happened? did he stop? Did he? Did he?
I rise from the water, now I'm able to see.
There's blood all around.
Wait, wait...Who saved me?
I get a clear look and see.
Black hair, White skin, blood on the face...I'ts Eli!
-----------------
Oskar, come, we'll run away.
We'll be together everyday.
We'll leave this place, on board a train.
When I'm with you i feel no pain.
so take my hand, we'll go away.
----------------
----------
------
--
-
Thanks for Reading!!
Who are you? Whats your name?
You say i cant be your friend,
who says i like you anyway.
You feel so cold as we're out in the snow.
You should wear a jacket when the weathers like this, you know?
You can have my Rubiks Cube, just for a day.
So your Eli? cool, i like that name.
My name's Oskar. Wow, we're bothy twelve!
More or less? What do you mean?
no presents no gifts?
you're more than meets the eye, it seems.
I get picked on at school....
Yeah by Johnny and his crew.
You tell me to hit back hard but there's three.
Ok, i'll hit back hard,
harder than i dare!
I'll hit so hard i'll give them a scare!
Come with me, come on
This candy is delicious, you should try some!
It's your loss if you don't. They're really yum!
I'm sorry your sick, it was my fault.
Now my arms are around you, after your revolt.
I don't know what it is and i don't know what it's called.
All i know is that i like you, please don't go away.
I'd like you if you weren't a girl anyway.
-------------------
Oskar, Oskar.
Do i smell better now?
I'm not cold because i forgot how.
I never thought I could ever feel this way.
Trust me just let me in, its true.
Oskar let me in, please say yes.
don't look at me, im going to undress.
I'm naked, is that gross?
Go steady? What does that mean?
Will things still be the same between you and me?
I run my finger down towards your hand. Your fingers feel so warm against mine.
I wish this moment would last forever.
Like a pause in time.
But Oskar...you still don't know
You don't know
------------------
Eli! Eli!
I hit Johnny hard on the ear with a stick!
I like you so much lets form a bond
but you stare at my blood while it drips.
Just stick your finger in. come on! come on!
------------------
Oskar, no
Oskar, please
I don't want to let you see.
I can't do it, i can't keep myself restrained
Go Away!
Go Away!
------------------
------------------
------------------
Is this where you live?
There's not much to see.
Wait...Eli? Why'd you close the door on me?
We're separated by the glass.
Through the door your hand follows mine.
As we talk we stare into each others eyes.
-------------------
Oskar, I'm a vampire, yes.
Don't worry, i'm alive not dead.
I live off blood to survive,
Because without it i would die
I've also been twelve for a very long time.
------------------
You open the door and I step in.
this room contains hardly anything.
Put my finger on that silver egg?
Sell it to buy a nuclear power plant?
yeah, haha, sure
Wait, what are those rings for?
Well i'd like to stay but i have to go.
I have flyers to distribute tomorrow.
I do it for the money, yes.
No, i don't want any of your cash.
is it form the people that you kill?
does murder give you a thrill?
Well sorry i gotta go now, I really have to leave.
That is...
If you'll let me.
-------------------
Hello Oskar, it's me again. I'm really sorry about the other night.
I got all dressed up, just for you! tell me, do i look all right?
I stare at you and i try my best to smile...
Aren't you gona invite me in?
-------------------
Why should i invite you in?
You'll walk in anyway.
Is there something between us?
I watch as your smile fades...
You walk inside, it doesn't take long.
But wait, Eli?...
Did i do something wrong?
Blood drips from your ears.
Red runs down your eyes, they look like tears!
------------------
Oskar please be me for awhile.
I'm more than what appears to be a child.
Let me in or i'll keep going on.
Let me in or I'll be gone.
------------------
The blood comes from your pores!
What the hell happened when you walked through my door?!
Eli!Eli! Please don't die
Don't do this, you'll make me cry!
Stop! Stop! You can come inside!
------------------
------------------
------------------
Who's that man? What's he doing here?
I'm under the table. Don't be scared, don't be scared
He grabbed a knife, what's it for?
No, oh no, he's opened the bathroom door.
I creep up behind him, knife in hand.
but his is on your neck ready to stab!
````NO!````
------------------
Thank you Oskar, for saving my life.
If you weren't here i may have died.
I love you but i have to go.
I hug you one last time, i hug you tight.
Here's a kiss to remember me by, i hope the blood is something you don't mind.
when im gone please don't cry
-----------------
-----------------
-----------------
Three minutes? What? that's impossible!
That's a challenge i can't fulfill.
You grab my hair, it hurts so much.
Please, i'm not someone you want to kill.
I can't hold it anymore, im going to die.
Why did things turn out like this? Oh why oh why?
All of a sudden the hand breaks free
What happened? did he stop? Did he? Did he?
I rise from the water, now I'm able to see.
There's blood all around.
Wait, wait...Who saved me?
I get a clear look and see.
Black hair, White skin, blood on the face...I'ts Eli!
-----------------
Oskar, come, we'll run away.
We'll be together everyday.
We'll leave this place, on board a train.
When I'm with you i feel no pain.
so take my hand, we'll go away.
----------------
----------
------
--
-
Thanks for Reading!!
- a_contemplative_life
- Moderator
- Posts: 5896
- Joined: Sat Aug 15, 2009 2:06 am
- Location: Virginia, USA
Re: My Poem On Let The Right One In! Took Ages To Write lol!!
I really love this poem. It captures the childhood innocence between Oskar and Eli so well, and I really like how you've blended in their lines from the film in a new and thoughtful way while managing to capture the essence of the emotions from each scene. To give a few examples:
More or less? What do you mean?
no presents no gifts?
you're more than meets the eye, it seems.
Now my arms are around you, after your revolt.
I don't know what it is and i don't know what it's called.
All i know is that i like you, please don't go away.
I'd like you if you weren't a girl anyway.
Oskar let me in, please say yes.
don't look at me, im going to undress.
I'm naked, is that gross?
Go steady? What does that mean?
Will things still be the same between you and me?
I run my finger down towards your hand. Your fingers feel so warm against mine.
I wish this moment would last forever.
Like a pause in time.
But Oskar...you still don't know
Is this where you live?
There's not much to see.
Wait...Eli? Why'd you close the door on me?
We're separated by the glass.
Through the door your hand follows mine.
As we talk we stare into each others eyes.
Well sorry i gotta go now, I really have to leave.
That is...
If you'll let me.
Hello Oskar, it's me again. I'm really sorry about the other night.
I got all dressed up, just for you! tell me, do i look all right?
I stare at you and i try my best to smile...
Aren't you gona invite me in?
What the hell happened when you walked through my door?!
Eli! Eli! Please don't die
Don't do this, you'll make me cry!
Stop! Stop! You can come inside!
Thank you Oskar, for saving my life.
If you weren't here i may have died.
I love you but i have to go.
I hug you one last time, i hug you tight.
Here's a kiss to remember me by, i hope the blood is something you don't mind.
when im gone please don't cry
Wait, wait...Who saved me?
I get a clear look and see.
Black hair, White skin, blood on the face...I'ts Eli!
We'll leave this place, on board a train.
When I'm with you i feel no pain.
so take my hand, we'll go away.
I have to laugh at my own post, because I've cut & pasted practically the whole poem...thank you for taking the time to write it, and to share it with the folks over here in this forum. I hope you will add to the discussions of LTROI here.
More or less? What do you mean?
no presents no gifts?
you're more than meets the eye, it seems.
Now my arms are around you, after your revolt.
I don't know what it is and i don't know what it's called.
All i know is that i like you, please don't go away.
I'd like you if you weren't a girl anyway.
Oskar let me in, please say yes.
don't look at me, im going to undress.
I'm naked, is that gross?
Go steady? What does that mean?
Will things still be the same between you and me?
I run my finger down towards your hand. Your fingers feel so warm against mine.
I wish this moment would last forever.
Like a pause in time.
But Oskar...you still don't know
Is this where you live?
There's not much to see.
Wait...Eli? Why'd you close the door on me?
We're separated by the glass.
Through the door your hand follows mine.
As we talk we stare into each others eyes.
Well sorry i gotta go now, I really have to leave.
That is...
If you'll let me.
Hello Oskar, it's me again. I'm really sorry about the other night.
I got all dressed up, just for you! tell me, do i look all right?
I stare at you and i try my best to smile...
Aren't you gona invite me in?
What the hell happened when you walked through my door?!
Eli! Eli! Please don't die
Don't do this, you'll make me cry!
Stop! Stop! You can come inside!
Thank you Oskar, for saving my life.
If you weren't here i may have died.
I love you but i have to go.
I hug you one last time, i hug you tight.
Here's a kiss to remember me by, i hope the blood is something you don't mind.
when im gone please don't cry
Wait, wait...Who saved me?
I get a clear look and see.
Black hair, White skin, blood on the face...I'ts Eli!
We'll leave this place, on board a train.
When I'm with you i feel no pain.
so take my hand, we'll go away.
I have to laugh at my own post, because I've cut & pasted practically the whole poem...thank you for taking the time to write it, and to share it with the folks over here in this forum. I hope you will add to the discussions of LTROI here.
Re: My Poem On Let The Right One In! Took Ages To Write lol!!
Welcome aboard awqaw.
I always refer newly infected to the hands article by the site owner (wolfchild) if you have not already done so.
http://www.let-the-right-one-in.com/woo ... index.html
I liked your poem a lot also.
I always refer newly infected to the hands article by the site owner (wolfchild) if you have not already done so.
http://www.let-the-right-one-in.com/woo ... index.html
I liked your poem a lot also.
While wandering here between posts and FF, I am gradually getting convinced, that I haven't seen anywhere more beautiful madness than on this forum. Clubmeister
- moonvibe34
- Posts: 791
- Joined: Thu Dec 10, 2009 10:25 pm
- Location: Sweet Home Alabama
Re: My Poem On Let The Right One In! Took Ages To Write lol!!
I really enjoyed this poem. I think it captures the heart and depth of the story quite well and it was simply a joy to read.
Welcome awqaw!
Welcome awqaw!
"But dreams come through stone walls, light up dark rooms, or darken light ones, and their persons make their exits and their entrances as they please, and laugh at locksmiths."
Carmilla by Joseph Sheridan Le Fanu
Carmilla by Joseph Sheridan Le Fanu
Re: My Poem On Let The Right One In! Took Ages To Write lol!!
It is a nice thing, yes, well felt and with a sweet, childlike quality in the rhymes; but formally, structurally, it's a bit raggedy...I mean, by all means use a different rhyme structure in every verse, why not? But make them work, make them read punchily, sweetly, rhythmically, or you lose the flow.
A good editing could tighten this up a lot, and it would be even more affecting than it is.
[That will be $55 ex state tax, thank you.]
A good editing could tighten this up a lot, and it would be even more affecting than it is.
[That will be $55 ex state tax, thank you.]
Re: My Poem On Let The Right One In! Took Ages To Write lol!!
thanks for all the feedback!
and i agree with DMt. This poem could be better, even i know that and i wrote it.
There are soo many simpe rhymes and the sentences in this poem are actually very basic.
and i agree with DMt. This poem could be better, even i know that and i wrote it.
There are soo many simpe rhymes and the sentences in this poem are actually very basic.
- a_contemplative_life
- Moderator
- Posts: 5896
- Joined: Sat Aug 15, 2009 2:06 am
- Location: Virginia, USA
Re: My Poem On Let The Right One In! Took Ages To Write lol!!
That's okay--it makes it sound more like a couple of kids wrote it, like it's supposed to sound!awqaw wrote:thanks for all the feedback!
and i agree with DMt. This poem could be better, even i know that and i wrote it.
There are soo many simpe rhymes and the sentences in this poem are actually very basic.
Re: My Poem On Let The Right One In! Took Ages To Write lol!!
thanksDMt. wrote:Simplicity is nice, yes.
Re: My Poem On Let The Right One In! Took Ages To Write lol!!
this poem has recieved an appalling lack of attention, i think it's extremely creative and clever. and i am an authority on poems...limericks mostly.
Last edited by joshpaid on Thu Aug 12, 2010 11:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.