I know many of you have speculated on me actually being Eli. I am here to say that it is not true. I am not a 12 yearold genderless vampire with a tiny blond boyfriend. But there is one thing me and Eli has in common, and since everyone else in my real life knows this, I see no reason not to tell you guys, my beloved fellow infected about this.
Eli doesn't think of himself as either a boy or a girl, among other things. And neither do I. I do believe Eli to be gender neutral, and doesn't have any preferences in pronounce, but I do. I would prefer Hen, but problem is Hen doesn't exist in the Norwegian language at all. The people closest to me refuse to use it, which has been a great sorrow to me.
I have also switched my first name. Some of you might know my name is Siv, well not anymore. Now it's Eik (Oak). It is originally an old Norse name, much like my old name. I have later found it to be a very uncommon name, I only thought it was just kind of rare. I have switched names legally and socially.
My gender identity is very complicated and not at all as how I see Eli's to be. It changes each day, both in intensity and identity. It moves somewhere in the middle of Boy and girl. I see it as having a space in-between, and that space feels different for each and every person who are in-between it.
As a child I always dressed up in costumes that were neutral like: Death, a clown, a vampire, a dead person, a pirate in male clothing. I didn't think of myself as any different, but I didn't really feel like I was anything, and thought that was normal. Though I was slightly feminine and still am. At 16 I cut my hair short and started exploring what I wanted to wear. Dressed more masculine. Around this time I also as some of you might know read LTROI. And found Eli to be one of the most interesting characters I have ever read/seen. I didn't really know why, but having a person not choosing one or the other blew my mind away. In my head I started making characters like that myself, for my own stories, and enjoyed the thought of giving positive reading experiences to other people just like the one I had been given from reading LTROI.
QUEER: A reclaimed slur for the LGBT+ community, and an umbrella term for identities that are not heterosexual and/or not cisgender. Some people use this as the name for their nonbinary gender identity.
Around that time I started feeling discomfort with my chest aria, googled things for a bit and found something called genderqweer, which is for someone who doesn't identify with male or female identities. I identified with it for a little while, but let it go because it was too hard. And I let it go for a long long time, embraced my femininity. Hung out with feminine girls who "taught" me how to dress. But maybe half a year ago it blew up in my face and the facade broke after watching "transparent", a series centered around a male to female transgender. At the time I didn't understand what happened because I suddenly started crying. After that I felt that discomfort again, with my body, and understood finally what was going on. And then, I googled a bit again to see if others felt like I did. I stumbled on terms like: Non-binary and transgender, which both are words I identify with today. I struggle with it a lot still of course but it is nice to find one of a few LTROI books from my shelf and read how Eli just is who he is and I can be the same.
So John, if you are reading this, thank you for introducing me to the possibility of being neither. Thanks for opening me to the path to the realization of my gender identity.
If anyone are to refer to me, please know my preferred pronounce is They/Them. I do tolerate she and I won't get mad if anyone slips up.
HEH! No wonder I liked dressing up as Eli so much!
