IX. The Kiss

It's the end of the end of the world
Even if it's only for one night...
It's the end of the end of us...
Tonight the world is without end.
Calogero Maurici, La Fin de la Fin du Monde

He dreams that he is happy; that his corporeal nature
has changed or, at least, that he has flown away on a
violet cloud, towards another sphere, inhabited by
beings of the same nature as himself.
Comte de Lautréamont, Les Chants de Maldoror

'Oskar, there's something more I need to tell you, about Esteban.'

Eli and Oskar were sitting on the floor in the abandoned shed where they were staying, in the forest. The previous night Eli had gone over his final conversation with Esteban, line by line.

'When I bite someone's neck, I can hear what they are thinking, and it always ends in the same way, in a scream, the scream of an animal that is dying. They also scream with their mouths but the scream inside their heads is worse, much worse. In the first years I had so many nightmares about those screams...'

'That time at Esteban's house, when you had that terrible nightmare, was it about that?'

'No, it was worse. I don't really want to talk about it, but part of it was that I infected you.'

'But we've talked about that, what if I-'

'You didn't want to, but I infected you anyway. There was more, but... What I wanted to say was that with Esteban, before it all became a scream, he thought... something meaning 'I absolve you, I forgive you.' I think he said it to both himself and to me. He had just chosen to die rather than become like me, but he still forgave me.'

'He knew you never wanted to kill. What did he have to forgive himself for?'

'For helping me, I suppose, and maybe... Oskar, I need to tell you something. You see, one of the first times we met, when we hardly knew each other, there was a time at the jungle gym I... nearly killed you.'

'So? I mean, you barely knew me, and you had to get blood from someone...'

'Yes, but... Can you forgive me?'

'For what? You didn't hurt me.'

Oskar stroked Eli's cheek. He wasn't surprised at Eli's confession, but it saddened him; it was a reminder that not all of Eli's victims were bullies trying to drown him, nor drunks trying to stab a sleeping child in cold blood, nor men willingly offering their lives. Oskar lifted his gaze and saw Eli looking at him intently.

'Sorry, I was thinking of... how sad it is that you've had to do everything you've had to do. I wish there was something I could do.'

'You know, maybe that time at my place in Blackeberg wasn't the first time you saved me. You saved me before, from myself, by being nice to me, by making me feel like a person again.'

'And before you saved me at the pool, you saved me from being Piggy.'

Oskar put his arm around Eli.

'Oskar...'

'Hmm?'

'I've been thinking, if you ever decided that you need to leave because you want to be with a real girl your age, or because you want a wife and kids, I would understand.'

'I don't want a wife and kids. I want you.

'The thing is, I... you know I could never give you children.'

'I think I'm a bit young to have kids, and anyway I don't want to want a wife and kids, ever. I only want to be with you.'

Oskar paused, and swallowed.

'Eli, I don't want to lose you. I don't want to grow up, I want to be the same age as you, to be with you always. The only way this is going to work is if I become like you.'

'You know I would never want you to kill to bring me food, right?'

'Sure. What has that to do with-'

'Don't you see? If I turn you, I'd be making you kill one day, even if we try to buy blood or get it like I did with Esteban, it would happen some day.'

'I guess so...'

'Oskar, if there was a way you could be like me without ever having to kill, maybe I would be selfish and beg you to become like me.'

Eli stroked Oskar's hair.

'Don't make me turn you into a murderer.'

'After all we've been through together, if I could be like you without having to live on blood, I would've bitten you already.'

Oskar felt a tightness in his throat. He tried again to think of a way out, a way to be like Eli without being like Eli, to be with Eli without making them both guilty of an endless series of murders. But there was none, unless...

Agonizingly, they agreed on a course of action, and outlined a plan.

'We might as well do the first bit now.'

Eli nodded.

'Let me get changed first.'

'What for?'

Eli didn't answer, and Oskar went to the threshold and turned away, though he knew Eli had no qualms about nudity. He heard Eli open one of the suitcases, and heard the rustle of clothes.

'Oskar...'

Oskar turned around and saw Eli was now wearing a t-shirt and a plain skirt, whiter than death in the moonlight, and Esteban's ring. Oskar thought Eli looked beautiful, like a dagger of ice.

'How are we going to do this, Eli? We could mix blood or...'

'I want you to drink from my neck. Please?'

'You know I don't have the right teeth for that.'

With his index finger, which had transformed into a claw, and before Oskar could stop him, Eli made a cut on the side of his neck; it bled slowly, as if his blood were of extraordinary viscosity. Oskar looked into Eli's eyes and put his lips on the wound, not really wanting to lick it, and unsure of what to do next. Eli took his hand, squeezing tight. A few drops of blood fell into Oskar's mouth, and as it dissolved in his saliva, it tasted at first much like his own blood, save for a tinge of tears and sunless ocean depths. As he swallowed, it left an aftertase of a sweetness so piercing and full of sorrow that he could not help shed a tear. When he recovered, the blood had ceased to flow, and as he pulled away he saw that the wound had healed.

They kissed.

Whether it was the traces of Eli's blood in Oskar's mouth, or whether it was the first of the condition's symptoms to take hold, they never knew, but for the duration of the kiss they glimpsed how each loved the other, and what they loved about one other, a vision too intense to be denied. Eli saw himself as an angel all the more loved for not appearing to be one, loved with unconditional joy in all his diseased abnormality, and for once his strength failed him.

They fell to the ground as Eli's legs, utterly forgotten, gave way. As they pulled away, the trance broken by the fall, they felt a little afraid of one another, of the magnitude of each other's love.

***

The previous night had not gone well; Oskar and Eli had fed without killing, but they had been interrupted and they knew they had been seen by several witnesses as they fled. They knew that even if their luck held, they would at best flee and only postpone the inevitable.

'Oskar, I think it's time...'

'I know.'

'You - you don't have to do it.'

'We've talked about it before, you know we can't go on like this. Let's just enjoy the night while we can, and then we'll do... what we need to do.'

Eli didn't answer. They sat gazing at the night sky, listening carefully for any sign of someone approaching. But there was nothing apart from remote forest sounds, as indifferent to their fate as the winter sky. After a while they relaxed; it was unlikely that the area would be searched tonight. In the remaining hours before daybreak, they could be themselves.

They kissed and, making use of the one true privilege of their earthly damnation, in that kiss they intertwined the respective visions of their love, in a moment of ecstasy as timeless as the void between the stars.