VI. The Vision

Eli put a Band-Aid on the cut he had just been feeding from. Esteban drank a glass of warm water with sugar and salt in large, greedy gulps. He felt particularly weak and light-headed, and wondered whether Eli had taken more blood this time, or whether these feedings were simply taking their toll. As usual, Eli turned away, walking towards the cellar stairs.

Esteban remembered how he had once told Nicola that he could imagine no scene more tender than she nursing a child of theirs.

When Eli drinks the blood that I willingly feed him, it is almost the exact opposite. I'm not a woman, and Eli is neither my child nor an infant. A mother nursing her child is about new life; this is about death and disease.

Esteban had come to understand that Eli was ashamed of taking his blood, and was even more ashamed of feeding in Oskar's presence, and thus Oskar was never around when he fed Eli, who never lingered afterwards. But tonight Eli stopped before reaching the cellar stairs and slowly turned and returned, and sat down on the couch next to Esteban.

'I'm sorry,' said Eli, gazing at the floor.

'For what?'

'For feeding from you. For the harm I do to you.'

Eli looked at him in the eyes.

'I know I make you feel... horror when I feed from you. Don't deny it, I can tell, when I feed. I understand.'

'Your condition makes me feel horror, not you. You, the real Eli, don't horrify me. You can sense how I feel when I feed you? If you don't believe me, take a few more drops and I'll tell you again that it is your condition, of which you're a victim, and not you, that makes me feel horror, so that you know I'm telling the truth.'

'No. I believe you.'

They sat in silence for a while.

'Esteban, tell me a story.'

'I can't think of any children's stories, any good ones that is.'

He was surprised by the sadness in his own voice.

'Tell me a story anyway.'

'What kind of story?'

'About you? Or maybe about your country?'

He wants a true story, but my interesting true stories are mostly grim and the happy ones are rather dull. But Eli is no ordinary child and knows a thing or two about the darker side of things...

'When my grandfather was still fairly young, there was at one point a dictatorship in my country, which he disliked. He was just a doctor, he wasn't involved in politics in any way, but someone must have overheard him criticize the regime or something, anyway he was arrested. They told him he must be a very important person for the commander to want to see him before "interrogation," which was just another word for torture. Meanwhile, my grandmother went to a lawyer, a brave man, as few lawyers were willing to take the risk of defending political prisoners. He told her they would use delaying tactics, by then everyone knew that rebel armies controlled most of the country and would soon march on the capital, so if they could keep him alive for a few days then he would be safe, since political prisoners would be heroes once the government collapsed. Anyway, my grandfather was taken before the commander, and it turned out they knew each other; my grandfather had saved the commander's infant daughter's life when he was barely out of medical school, and the commander had recognized his name. He told him that in the morning they would sort out some paperwork and then he'd be released.'

'In the morning, when my grandmother went to try and see my grandfather, not knowing if he was dead or alive, she found him having having croissants and hot chocolate with the commander - there was a famine in the country at the time. They let him go after some paperwork, as promised, and the government collapsed a few days later.'

'You see, had my grandfather been executed instead of treated to a free breakfast, I wouldn't even have been born, just as it was sheer luck that the bullets missed me in that massacre I told you and Oskar about, when I was saved by someone who could just as easily have been my killer. Somehow that puts more responsibility on my shoulders, like a kind of duty, because others died and I lived, and it could just as easily have been the other way around.'

He paused, lost in his thoughts for a few moments.

'What are you thinking, Eli?'

There was no answer, and Esteban closed his eyes; all strength seemed to have left him.

Eli put his hand on Esteban's shoulder.

I'm not really father material and they may well be, despite themselves, the most difficult children alive. Taking care of them is beyond what I can really do, if they had only come to me when I was a young man, when I was strong and full of energy, but now I'm tired, so tired...

'Eli...' he whispered.

He wanted to be comforted by this deadly child, but words failed him, as if he'd forgotten his Swedish.

Eli gently tugged Esteban's shoulder, and he did not resist.

Let him do what he wants.

Eli pulled Esteban towards him until he lay his head on Eli's lap. If Eli wants to be maternal, why should I resist? Eli is a child but is also much older than me. As Eli put his head, Esteban thought that he should rest but it probably wouldn't be good to fall asleep after losing blood. He was mildly surprised to feel Eli's lips on his forehead.

Esteban found himself standing in a church, near the altar; daylight flooded the building through the clear windows, making the golden chandeliers gleam with a splendor that clashed with the austere vaulted ceilings and stone columns. There were no shadows; no corners were forgotten by the light. The church was full, but all those present were mere silhouettes, except for Oskar and Eli in the front row, who were holding hands, and they waved and smiled at him. Oskar was wearing a white silk suit that shimmered in the sunlight, and Eli wore a red dress.

Next to himself, Esteban saw a silhouette in a wedding dress, and he knew she was Nicola even though he could not see her face, only her dark hair. He knew the priest was about to finish the service, and he saw, out of the corner of his eye, Oskar and Eli kiss.

Eli withdrew, and Esteban opened his eyes, holding back the tears with difficulty. Eli looked into his eyes, turned away and punched the couch's armrest so hard that Esteban was surprised it didn't break. He sat up with considerable effort.

'Eli...'

'I'm sorry. I wanted to do something nice for you.'

'I know. But there's no need, you've already done something nice for me, you and Oskar.'

Eli turned to look at him.

'You know I have no wife, no children. My parents are dead, and I rarely hear from my brother or my sister, who are on another continent. I don't have many friends and my job is fine, but it's just a job. I think you understand what it's like to live because you want to live but there is no other reason at all to live, except that in my life there has been little horror.'

For many years there had been no horror, until now that you've brought it with you. But it's not your fault and I'm not sorry you came to me.

'After Nicola died, it was like that for me, I felt alone, with no family here but not wanting to go back to where I had been present in a massacre. And then I kind of got used to being alone, one can get used to anything except not eating. But with you... it's not just that I'm not alone any more, but that because of you and Oskar there is an actual point in living. So don't worry. And I loved Nicola, but she belongs to the past.'

Eli nodded slightly, and seemed to be thinking in silence. Then he cocked his head opened his eyes wide, making Esteban think of a child who suddenly realizes he has just ruined dinner.

'Esteban...'

'Yes?'

'Was it yucky?'

'What?'

'That I put my lips on your forehead.'

'No, why? I mean, I know it was just...'

'Yes, but still, you know I'm not a girl and maybe you find it disgusting that...'

'Don't be silly. Look, you're a child under my care and and you're this extraordinary person, and these are the things that matter. I don't care if you want to call yourself a boy or a girl or whatever, but you're not allowed to call yourself a monster or a demon or anything like that, OK?'

Eli nodded slowly, gazing at the floor.

'I've gotten to know the two of you in the time we've been living under the same roof, and Oskar is a clever boy, I've been teaching him, I should know. He's also very kind, you won't deny that.'

'When we barely knew each other, he wanted to give me his Rubik's cube when he found out I didn't get any birthday presents.'

'Exactly. So do you think someone as kind and clever as Oskar would love you the way he does, knowing about your past and your condition, if there weren't something really wonderful in you?'

Eli glanced towards the cellar stairs. To his visible surprise, Esteban gently tugged his chin up, forcing him to look at him in the eyes.

'I'm not asking you to believe in me. But believe in Oskar.'

'In me?'

Esteban released Eli's chin and elbowed him.

'I think someone is getting better at being stealthy than you are...'

Eli got up and rushed towards Oskar and, before he had time to react, Eli had slung him over his shoulder, carrying him as if he weighed nothing.

'You didn't see that coming!'

'Hey! Put me down!'

Eli instead tightened his grip on Oskar's legs and twirled while Oskar uselessly flailed his arms.

'Esteban, tell Eli to act his age!'

Then, with a mischievous smile, Oskar began tickling Eli.

'Stop that!'

'Not unless you put me down!'

Esteban lay down on the couch.

'Oskar, we don't tickle people as elderly as Eli. Eli, just because you're only about twelve doesn't mean you're allowed to treat your elders like that,' he said.

They chuckled, but neither relented; Oskar continued mercilessly tickling Eli, who squirmed without loosening his grip.

Oskar straightened up his back suddenly, throwing Eli off balance; the two of them fell on Esteban, making him and the couch groan.

This is no way to treat someone who's just lost a considerable amount of blood.

Esteban saw the look on their faces and his anger melted instantly. With some pain and much effort he sat up, and hugged them tight.

'I'm so glad you're with me.'