V. The Leper and the Child

For me there is no religious solace,
there is only religious thought.
Augusto Roa Bastos, Yo, El Supremo

'Checkmate!'

Esteban and Oskar high-fived. Eli stuck out his tongue.

'We did say the loser does the dishes, you know,' said Oskar.

Eli punched him lightly on the arm.

'You cheat, it was two against one.'

'You agreed to it.'

Oskar punched back. Esteban winced a little. What, am I going to tell him one doesn't hit girls? And in any case Eli is a lot stronger, even if Oskar looks older already.

Eli stuck out his tongue again.

'To beat me, you needed an adult to help you.'

'So? You're a lot older than me and Esteban put together.'

Eli punched him on the arm again.

'OK, you two. Eli, I'll help you with the dishes. Oskar, you have some math problems to work on, I think.'

Grumbling, Oskar moved the chessboard to one side and returned to his math problems. Eli and Esteban got up, and headed towards the kitchen. But instead of going in, Eli stealthily went up to Oskar and rubbed the top of his head, messing up his hair.

'Hey!'

A giggling Eli rushed to the kitchen.

As he washed the dishes and Eli dried them, Esteban felt again troubled by the question that had been nagging him for weeks now. Eli had said nothing more about his periods of hibernation, but Esteban felt increasingly apprehensive about it as time passed; above all he worried about what Eli had said about becoming weak.

How could I gather enough blood on my own?

He hated bringing it up tonight, when Eli seemed so cheerful, but he couldn't ignore it anymore. Now is a time as bad as any other.

'Eli... it's been a while since you've been here and you said you sometimes... hibernate. Do you still have no idea when you might need to do it? So that we can prepare for it?'

But how? I have no means of storing blood, so I can't stockpile my own while he sleeps.

'No, I haven't felt... that I'm going to sleep like that soon. I'm sorry, I wish I could tell you, but I just don't know when it's going to happen, but not soon, I think.'

'But you said it happened every few months.'

'Yes, but... it just hasn't happened. I don't think I've ever gone for so long without sleeping like that... Though there are lots of things I don't remember clearly.

'Right.'

Esteban didn't know what to say. He thought that if it were not for Eli awakening weak and hungry, hibernation would be an advantage in many ways, though no doubt it would be harder for Oskar to cope with having to remain in hiding without Eli's company.

'Try not to worry. As long as it hasn't happened, it hasn't happened.'

'Yes, you're right.'

Esteban was also finding it increasingly difficult to cope with his own contribution to Eli's sustenance; he often felt weak and tired and, though at work he rarely had a conversation about anything not work-related, someone had recently asked him if all was well, mentioning that he looked pale. No, I live with a deadly, ancient creature of the night that lives on human blood and who also happens to be like the child I never had. Oh, and did I mention the creature's lover, who is wanted in connection with the beheading of children, also moved in? He had replied that he suffered from insomnia. But right now what worried him the most was the aftermath of a hibernation. Buying blood was surely a risky business, and he knew no one he could trust to sell it without asking questions. If I only knew someone working at a blood bank or something... All of this is madness, I must have just gone mad to even consider living like this. But that's old news, what was it that Nicola said that day? "You're a wee bit mental, you are."

He smiled a little, without bitterness.

'Esteban...'

He saw that Eli was attentively looking at him, with a cloth in his hands.

'Sorry.'

He rinsed the glass he was washing and handed it to him.

If when you awake from hibernation I have no blood to give save my own, will you kill me? So nothing has really changed since that first night: It will be kill or be killed, it's just been a stay of execution.

They finished doing the dishes in silence.

***

It had been a good night, and Esteban was in high spirits; Eli had fed without mishap and Esteban was beginning to feel it was possible to continue like this. As he was driving home, he was struck by something: The woman Eli had fed from tonight was wearing a rosary. At the time, he had been too astonished to encounter someone wearing a rosary in Sweden, as well as too distracted by the practicalities of helping Eli, to think about the rosary's cross.

'Eli, I noticed that you didn't have problems with the cross on the woman's...' what's 'rosary' in Swedish? '... necklace.'

'I have no problem with crosses. And I have a reflection.'

'Yes, I've noticed.'

'Garlic is just another vegetable, I can cross rivers anytime and I don't need to sleep on special soil. And don't ask me to turn into a bat or a wolf.'

'Don't be angry, I just want to understand. And you've got to admit it could be useful for me to know these things.'

'Yes, you're right. Sorry.'

He tried to recall the vampire lore he knew.

'Can you enter churches?'

'If I'm invited in, I could, yes. But I don't particularly want to.'

Esteban drove in silence for a couple of minutes.

'Eli, do you believe in God?'

Eli hesitated and looked at him intently.

'Thou shall not kill. Do you know that?'

'Yes, I once had to learn the Ten Commandments by heart. But that's not an answer. And you know with your condition you couldn't have obeyed; you either killed others and lived, or committed suicide, which is also killing. I assume you were raised with religion, but do you still believe?'

'I... after I became what I am, I thought maybe God was testing my faith, or that maybe He had some special plan for me I knew nothing about. Sometimes I wondered if I had been made into... this as a punishment for something, but I could not think what crime I could have committed to be punished like that. Then I thought that, whether it was His idea to make me into this or not, He had simply damned me or forgotten about me, because I had sinned so much. I prayed I a lot at first, but then I couldn't pray anymore because... Well, it would be a lie to pray and then go kill someone. And then I just stopped thinking about it all, and now I don't know if I believe in God or not, and I've forgotten how to pray.'

'I was raised as a Catholic, though I was never particularly devout, and when I was young I sinned, went to confession, was absolved, and I sinned again. And one day, I just didn't feel there was a God in Heaven anymore. Nothing special had happened, I just stopped believing, and saw no reason to pray or go to church. Eli, when we get home, there's something I want to read to you.'

'Is it something from the Bible? It's rather clear on murderers and abominations, I've read it.'

Yes: "Your brother's blood cries out to me from the ground..." Then again, there's another quote, I'm not even sure it's from the Bible: "If we say we do not sin, there is no truth in us."

'No, it's to do with religion, but it's not the Bible.'

Eli said nothing.

'You said something about crossing rivers. Do you know how to swim?'

'Yes.'

'Would you like me to take you swimming one day? It's still too risky with Oskar I think, but I could take you to the pool. You could... wear a swimming suit under your clothes, and after swimming change in the toilet cubicle, if they don't have private cubicles.'

Eli didn't answer.

'Look, when Oskar is a little older, then the three of us can go...'

If we're still alive and well, that is.

'... but in the meantime, there's no reason for you not to.'

'No, Esteban.'

'You don't like swimming? Pity, you'd be very good at it, being so strong and so good at holding your breath.'

'It's not that, it's just that...'

'Go on.'

'I know it's silly, but... Well, it's just that... I'm afraid.'

'Afraid? Of me?'

Please not that.

'No, I realize that you... I'm afraid of people.'

'Nobody will know about your condition.'

'Yes, but I'm not used to... being around many people at once. I wouldn't know how to act, I'm sorry.'

'Don't be. It's understandable.'

As soon as they got home, Esteban went to his room and, after some time, found the book he was looking for. He went to the living room.

'Eli, I found it. It's called The Children's Crusade, it's a series of monologues...'

He saw Oskar's eyes glaze over.

'It's just a few lines that I want to read to you...'

He flipped the pages, and soon found what he was looking for: the monologue of Pope Gregory IX.

'... They claim that he meditated for a long time on the children and on their faith, and that he asked the Lord for a sign. Here, on this throne of rock, in the open air, I declare that this pontiff Innocent himself had a child's faith, and that he vainly shook his weary locks. I am much older than Innocent; I am the oldest of all the vicars that the Lord has placed here on earth, and I barely begin to understand. God does not manifest himself at all. Did He assist His son at the Garden of Olives? Didn't He abandon him in his supreme anguish? Oh puerile folly of invoking His aid! All evils and all tests lie only in ourselves.'

Eli had listened attentively, and seemed to hesitate.

'Can I borrow it?'

'Of course.'

Later that night, down in the cellar, Eli shook Oskar awake.

'Oskar!'

'Sorry I fell asleep. But won't it be daytime soon?'

'Read this. This is what I am.'

Oskar took the book and began reading the story Eli was pointing out. He wasn't really sure what a leper was, but he read the leper's story anyway:

'... I am alone and I feel horror... The beasts are afraid of me, and my soul wants to flee. The day forsakes me... Perhaps the blood of the Lord of others would have healed me. I often dream of blood: I could bite... I am surrounded on earth by a pale damnation. I spied in order to suck from the neck of one of His children of innocent blood...'

'... He was not afraid of me! He was not afraid of me! My monstrous whiteness for him resembles that of his Lord... And I said to him:'

"Go in peace to your white Lord, and say to him that he has forgotten me."

He finished reading the monologue and put the book down.

'Eli, there's a lot of it that I don't understand, and I'm not sure what... "pale sin" he's supposed to have committed, but you're not... this horrible monster you seem to think you are. You said it yourself, that you kill because you have to. Being alive isn't a crime.'

Unable to think of an answer, Eli took the book from Oskar and silently re-read the last paragraph:

'And the child looked at me without saying anything. I accompanied him outside the blackness of this forest. He walked without trembling. I saw his red hair disappear in the distance, in the sun...'

Eli put the book down. He could feel dawn approaching, and no doubt the earliest hints of daylight could already be seen outside, yet he felt restless. Too late to leave in any case, he thought, even if I could bring myself to... Oskar stroked his cheek.

'What's wrong, Eli?'

Eli looked into Oskar's eyes, and so much love and concern was so plainly written on his face that Eli broke down crying against Oskar's chest. Oskar gently stroked Eli's hair and tenderly kissed his forehead.

'It's alright, I'm here for you. I'll always be there for you, Eli, no matter what.'