III. Doubts

'No! No! No! Get off me!'

Eli, lying on his back, uselessly flailed his arms. Oskar, his chest lying sideways on Eli's ankles, tickled Eli's bare feet, while Eli laughed uncontrollably.

'Stop!'

Oskar chuckled.

'Stop! Please...'

Oskar did so.

'It's your fault Eli, for having such beautiful laughter. And for going barefoot.'

He lay down next to Eli. They cuddled in silence for a few minutes.

'Oskar...'

'Hmm?'

'Don't you sometimes feel… trapped?'

'What do you mean?'

'That... you can't go into town or anything like that because someone could recognize you.'

'Why would I want to go into town?'

'I don't know, maybe you'd like to watch a movie or something.'

'It's alright. I mean, you could ask Esteban to take you to a movie, but you never do. And your picture wasn't on the papers.'

'Yes, but it's different because...'

'Because of what? We both have to kind of hide, I guess. I'd much rather hide here with you than go back to Blackeberg alone, or anywhere without you. But you know that, silly.'

Eli stroked his hair.

'Eli, we could go into town next Halloween, I'd have an excuse to wear a mask.'

'And I... wouldn't need a disguise,' replied Eli both jokingly and with sadness.

'Nah, I think you should go as an angel. That’s what you’ve been to me.'

And he kissed Eli's cheek.

***

'Esteban?'

'Yes?'

'You know you said to measure two teaspoons of that powder, and to use the little spoons in the top drawer? But there are two types of small spoons in that drawer, look...'

'That's fine, just don't measure it with the big spoons.'

'But the two kinds of little spoons aren't the same size, and...'

Esteban smiled a little.

'It won't make any difference. And anyway we can taste the dough before baking, to make sure everything's fine.'

'I can't taste it. All food tastes bad to me, even if there's nothing wrong with it.'

'Oh. I thought it was like... putting a piece of food in your mouth when you're not hungry. Don't worry, I'll do the tasting. And... cooking isn't that delicate, trust me.'

Eli seemed to hesitate.

'Eli, I'm sure Oskar didn't fall in love with you because he thought you were an award-winning pastry chef.'

Eli smiled.

'Oh and... if you want to cook for Oskar you'll have to learn how to make healthy food as well, not just desserts, OK?'

Eli nodded.

'When you're done, mix it all together with a whisk, I'll grease the baking tin in the meantime - I'm going to rub it with butter so that the cake won't stick to it.'

He did so and watched Eli measure the baking powder and mix everything together.

'That's enough.'

He took the whisk, took some dough from it with his finger and tasted it.

'Very reasonable, I think. Let's give the oven a couple more minutes to preheat. In the meantime...'

He took some spices from a shelf, opened one of the jars and handed it over to Eli.

'Maybe you can smell it?'

Eli took, it hesitated, and instead of bringing it close to his nose, waved his fingers over it, drawing the spice’s aroma towards him, sniffing it carefully. I have seen someone smell things like that before, but who, where?

'That's ground pepper. It goes well with red meat.'

Eli gave it back, and Esteban handed him another jar.

'This one is oregano; it's used mostly with pasta-'

The noise from the shower stopped.

'Eli, Oskar will be coming out of the bathroom soon. So go distract him while I put the cake in the oven, if he stays down in the cellar I don't think he'll be able to smell it from there. It should be done in forty minutes or so.'

Eli nodded, and dashed out of the kitchen.

Nearly an hour later, Eli and Esteban went down the cellar stairs; Eli was carrying a plain chocolate cake, with cocoa sprinkled on top and no icing, and Esteban was carrying several shopping bags. Oskar was reading a comic book.

‘Hi. What...?’

'For you.'

Eli gave him the cake.

'I made it myself. Well, me and Esteban.'

'Wow! I didn't know you knew how to cook. Thanks!'

'Happy belated birthday, Oskar. Better late than never, Eli tells me that you were on the run on your birthday so you couldn't really celebrate.'

'Thanks, Esteban.'

'No problem. I’ll clear the desk and we'll put the cake there.'

After he had blown the candles, Oskar cut and served two slices. Esteban opened a bottle of Coke and poured two glasses. He tried the cake. Definitely edible.

'I know I've said you can't have as much Coke and that sort of thing as you want because it's bad for you, but tonight it's a celebration so it doesn't apply. You know, we should think of how we're going to celebrate Eli's birthday.'

'But I've told you, I don't know when my birthday is.'

'So? That means you get to choose. Or if you prefer, we will choose it for you. I'm glad you won't want cake because I'd have to use so many candles I might as well just set the house on fire.'

Oskar laughed, and Eli looked away but smiled.

***

Eli opened a pink pencil case, and took out a razor blade.

'Do I... need to do anything?'

'No. Just close your eyes.'

Esteban obeyed. He felt Eli take his arm, holding it with a grip that, in the darkness of his closed eyelids, felt more reminiscent of that of a machine than of that of a child. He bit his lip as felt Eli cut the inside of his elbow with a single, swift movement. He felt his blood rushing out of the wound, then Eli's lips against his skin, and clenched his jaw, refusing to make a sound despite the pain.

A monster is draining away my life.

He thought of a dream he had had a long time before: He was walking in a barren, empty landscape, seeking shelter from the harsh midday sun. He reached the ruins of a city of crumbling stone buildings, and went into the only one seemingly intact, a circular tower. He found himself in a large hall and, at the end opposite the entrance, he saw a shape, both nondescript and sinister, lying on the floor. He approached it, and in the gloom he distinguished two mummified corpses, that of a woman lying on her back and, lying on her chest, the ruin of a child, its head and hands lying on its mother's face, hands that looked like they had been broken with a hammer and their bones allowed to fuse while it was still alive. Esteban knew it was a deformed, idiot child that, unable to feed from its mother's breasts, had adapted to feeding on her flesh but, either unable to continue feeding on the mummifying corpse, or overwhelmed by its own deformity, had perished. He thought that for the sake of people's hopes and sanity he must burn the bodies, but he had nothing to build a fire with, and the anguish of not being able to hide this horror from an unhappy world had woken him up...

He felt Eli turn his arm so that the cut faced upwards and put a Band-Aid on the cut. He heard him lick his lips. Esteban opened his eyes, and saw Eli look away.

'You'll be alright. I want to be alone.'

Eli left the room. At least it's Friday, I have the entire weekend to recover. Esteban closed his eyes, even though he knew he should try to stay awake. He realized he was sweating, and his heart was beating faster. Is it really worse than having blood taken at the hospital? He had had blood samples taken once, and he had felt no anxiety, had watched calmly as the needle pierced his skin, as the blood was drawn into the syringe. It had only been a little blood then, but still...

'Esteban...'

He opened his eyes and saw Oskar holding a glass.

'It's for you.'

Esteban took it. Warm water? He took a sip, and nearly spat it out.

'What did you put in it?'

'Salt and sugar. Eli said that... that's what you need.'

'Sounds sensible.'

He took a large gulp.

'Esteban...'

'Yes?'

'Thank you.'

Esteban smiled weakly, and shrugged.

'Would you make me some tea? With lots of sugar?'

Oskar nodded quickly, and went to the kitchen.

***

'So both mean "to be" and the difference between ser and estar is that ser is used for long-term things, especially things that are permanent, and estar for things that are very temporary, like something you're doing just right now. There are exceptions but we'll worry about those later. Unfortunately both are irregular verbs so you'll have to memorize them. Here... is the present tense for both. OK, go over that while I go get the math textbook - you left it where?'

'In the cellar, on the bookshelf,' replied Oskar.

'I'll get it.'

Esteban got up, went to the cellar door, switched on the light and made his way down the stairs. He always felt apprehension when going into the cellar while Eli slept, though on previous occasions even the electric light hadn't wakened him from his unnaturally deep sleep.

He found the textbook on the same bookshelf where the children kept a solved Rubik's cube. He was about to return upstairs when he noticed a barely audible moan. He went over to where Eli lay on a mattress on the floor. His face was as perfectly still, as if it belonged to a sculpture of prodigious craftsmanship instead of a living child. There was no breath, no hint of perspiration. The sole sign of life was a low, guttural sound that escaped through his slightly parted, motionless lips.

Esteban hesitated. Was Eli in pain? Or, more likely, having a nightmare? If he were a normal child I would shake him awake. But he nearly killed me when I gave him a hug. He doesn't like being touched, except by Oskar.

Eli let out a louder groan.

'Eli...'

There was no response.

'Eli...'

Esteban kneeled next to Eli. He noticed a hint of motion beneath his eyelids. He's dreaming, he must be having a nightmare.

Eli let out a still louder, guttural moan despite the unnatural stillness of his lips.

'Eli, wake up!' shouted Esteban at the top of his lungs. Eli's eyes opened wide and he sat up suddenly, violently flinging his head forward, his face now drenched in sweat. Esteban could see bubbles of saliva glistening in Eli's wide-open mouth. He dropped the textbook, recoiling in horror as he looked into Eli's eyes. He didn't hear Oskar rush down the stairs. As a trembling Eli's eyes focused on him, Oskar came to his side, and Eli pulled him towards him with such force that Oskar simply fell on Eli.

'You're alright... you’re alright... thank God you're alright...'

Eli hugged Oskar tightly, repeatedly kissing his head.

'Eli... I need to breathe...'

Eli, crying tears of joy, loosened his grip and Oskar took a deep breath while discreetly massaging his shoulder. Eli turned to Esteban, who sighed with relief as he looked into Eli's eyes again.

To his surprise, Eli took his hand in his.

'Thank you. For waking me up.'

'You were having a nightmare?'

Eli nodded.

His nightmares would drive me insane.

'Eli, nightmares are less scary if you get them off your chest. Do you want to tell me about it?' said Oskar.

Eli let go of him and sat up.

'No, it's alright.'

Esteban, checked his pockets, realized he didn't have a handkerchief on him, and took a corner of the sheet and, without thinking about it, wiped Eli's face dry. Eli seemed startled but did not resist.

'Do you... want to go back to sleep? It's not dark outside yet, I don't know if...'

'I'll... go back to sleep in a few minutes.'

Does he know if it's dark outside, as if by instinct?

He saw the pleading look in Oskar's eyes.

'I'll be upstairs if anyone wants me.'

He did not even glance at the book he had dropped, and went upstairs.

Esteban sat on the couch, and realized he was trembling slightly. A vampire's nightmares... Was it just a nightmare about Oskar, or something more? His memories alone... When Eli had woken up, permanent brain damage had been Esteban's only coherent thought. The look in his eyes. Something about the mouth, too... There was something... He knew what Eli waking from the nightmare had reminded him of, and why Eli's mouth tonight, with its human teeth, had been more terrifying than it had been that first night, when he had seen it full of shark-like teeth; he knew why Eli’s eyes tonight had been far more terrible than the cat-like eyes he had seen a few times: During a trip abroad he had visited what had been, centuries earlier, a hospital for the rabid. He had then become curious about the disease, as he hadn't known that it had once been common enough for there to be especially dedicated hospitals, and he had watched some footage of rabid humans. Instead of the blind, mindless rage he had expected, he had seen human beings tormented by hallucinations and by a superhuman anguish. He remembered he had read afterwards that the rabid sometimes had flashes of lucidity, and had thought that at least some of them must be conscious of their state, even after the early stages. He had thought that, at the time that place was used as a hospital, arsenic would have been a more merciful treatment than the standard practice of restraining the patients and allowing the disease to run its course. But at least rabies kills you.

He also thought of something Eli had told him some days before; when Eli had explained how cats reacted to him, Esteban had tried to joke about it by saying that since there were no rats or mice in the cellar, there was no need for cats. But then Eli had replied that rats fled from him, and Esteban had been reminded of something from his childhood: One time when he was visiting some cousins, they had seen a large rat in the yard. They had told his aunt, and she had taken the cat -good at hunting mice- and released him in the yard, but he had not even approached the rat, of which he was obviously afraid. Then his aunt had taken the family dog, a large German shepherd; he had approached the rat with curiosity but no hostility. The rat, undaunted, had attacked him, biting him near the nose. Instantly enraged, the dog had caught it with his jaws and killed it instantly. This had taught Esteban that rats were fearless, and now he had met someone with a disease from which they fled in terror.

Esteban got up, pacing back and forth. Eli is not evil, but neither is a rabid animal. To destroy this source of death and suffering and disease, to return Oskar to his family, without any hypocritical scruples about murdering a child... A sick, mutilated child that can't go to a hospital to get the blood he needs to live. If people were better it would be easy to... but Eli has been wise to remain in hiding. No. As for Oskar, he chose to leave his family to be at Eli’s side, and even though he is so young... Maybe Oskar's parents... "They are orphans even if their parents are alive." But that's just an excuse I'm telling myself for not doing the right thing. It may be selfish and cowardly, but I cannot kill Eli. I choose not to do it, even if it is my duty to kill him or die trying. Not just because he looks like Nicola's daughter...

He chuckled bitterly.

After all he has suffered, that he is not just a monster, that he is better than many healthy, normal people who haven’t had to choose... I am a worse monster, by helping Eli and Oskar I am sentencing thousands to death. But I have made my choice.